Ace Of All Trades, by Derwood Bowen

Ace Of All Trades

by Derwood Bowen

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Full Digital Discography

8

releases

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Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of Ace Of All Trades, Passing With Levitating Colors, Sacre Boooo, Lightbulb-Eating Selfie, Throwbacks, Screw You, Mayan Predictions, I've Made Another Album, Slap Unhappy, and A-Dork-Able. , and , .

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1.	Free Food 03:34	lyrics	buy track
(Hey!) (Hey!) None of you are sure what I'm doing here, but I'm here, oh oh, oh, oh What we're celebrating isn't crystal clear, but I'm here, oh oh, oh, oh I have no connection to the reason for your party Ann's having a baby, but I don't know who that is (Hey!) I courteously smile 'cause you're all in a good mood I'm just here for the free food! Free food! Free food! Free food! I just saw your ad for your barbeque, so hello, oh oh, oh, oh For a charity that means a lot to you, I don't know, oh oh, oh, oh Stop the speech, I wanna eat and just enjoy the party I'll applaud your speech 'cause that's what you expect from me (Hey!) I do the very least so I don't come off as rude I'm just here for the free food! (Hey!) (Hey!) Yes, my home is stocked 'cause I hit the store, but I'm here, oh oh, oh, oh I can save today just by taking your chips and beer, oh oh, oh, oh I cannot donate 'cause I did not bring any money You don't wanna cause a scene so now you must act friendly I'm not mingling 'cause I know nobody at this party I'm just here for the free food Free food! Free food! Free food! I heard some music and cheers from people in your backyard, oh oh, oh, oh I don't have a clue who any of them are, oh oh, oh, oh Don't mind me, I'm just inviting myself to your party Hey, congratulations on whatever you achieved (Hey!) I'm a stranger, yes, but I'm really a cool dude Who's just here for the free food (Hey!)
2.	Blaming The Wrong Person 03:10	lyrics	buy track
Ordered a pizza the other night They said delivery would be a 30 minute wait Sitting impatiently in my house Dude shows up at my door 45 minutes late Says there was an accident Backed up traffic for 5 blocks and he got stuck But you're the one standing there with my old, cold pizza IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT YOU INCOMPETENT SCHMUCK!!!!! Blaming the wrong person! Blaming the wrong person! Blaming the wrong person! Blaming the wrong person! My boss at the office gave me hell Because I was late getting one of my reports in I told him of the many sales calls on my plate And how the secretary could've done more than testing pens! I showed up late the next day With my boss explaining why that's unacceptable Well my roommate failed to remind me To set my alarm, IT'S HIS FAULT HE'S IRRESPONSIBLE!!!!! Blaming the wrong person! Blaming the wrong person! Blaming the wrong person! Blaming the wrong person! Blaming the wrong…. Oh crap, I was only supposed to sing that four times, I got distracted. Well…. It was this girl that was dancing in minimal clothing that distracted me! I know what you're saying, it's not her fault she was distracting you, it's your fault for not closing your browser! Verizon hacked my phone! I swear they frickin did! I would never watch that, I got a girlfriend with kids! I think their manager Is jealous I'm not with her She's seeking vengeance on me By getting drama stirred! Blaming the wrong person! Blaming the wrong person! Blaming the wrong person! Blaming the wrong person! I swallowed my juice wrong and nearly choked. BLAME THE MANUFACTURERS FOR NOT HAVING A WARNING LABEL SAYING THAT COULD HAPPEN! I was walking to the store and got rained on. BLAME THE MAYOR FOR NOT PUTTING SOME KIND OF CANOPY OVER THE ENTIRE CITY! I wasn't looking when I pulled into a parking spot at the grocery store and crashed my car into a cart corral! THE MANAGERS NEED TO GET RID OF THOSE THINGS AND KEEP ALL THE CARTS IN THE STORE! All the problems in this country. Prices too high. Crime too high. People can't agree on their opinions. BLAME THE PRESIDENT! BLAME THE PRESIDENT! BLAME THE PRESIDENT! Unless you voted for the president, in which case, blame the candidate that lost for seeking retribution! Blaming the wrong person! Blaming the wrong person! Blaming the wrong person! Blaming the wrong…. Why did the music stop? There was supposed to still be music going! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT… ERRR, MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY!!!!! Somehow… it's your fault. First illogical scapegoat I could think of!
3.	Birthday 03:03	lyrics	buy track
Today is the day I get treated like royalty Everyone I know in my life comes to spoil me Showering me with love and attention Throwing me gifts from every direction Today is the day I get to act like a king And no one is allowed to say a dang thing Because this is the day that’s all about me So I get to act entitled as I wanna be Today is the day, I think it’s pretty clear It’s the day that I wait for every single year It shouldn’t take anyone multiple guesses I think you all know what today is It’s my birthday! The day to celebrate me! The day people give me things joyfully! It’s my birthday! Come along, everyone! Celebrate the fact I made another trip around the sun! Today is the day, let’s have a big party Where everyone’s support of me is so hearty We’ll all share together with ice cream and cake While I get positive outpouring, all I can take Today is the day my peeps and I have plans Of course, much of it is at my command We’ll spend the day doing things and having fun While I revel in the fact that today I’m number one Today is the day my Facebook page is Flooded with posts of birthday wishes 100 plus people I forgot about Still take the time to give me a shout out Today is the day that gets me excited And everyone that wants to pamper me is invited Once again, may I remind everyone Why this day in the year's the best one It’s my birthday! The day to celebrate me! The day people give me things joyfully! It’s my birthday! Come along, everyone! Celebrate the fact I made another trip around the sun! It's my birthday! For 24 hours I get to pretend I'm a madman with power Tomorrow all the hype about me will disappear But I can't wait to do it again next year!
4.	Laugh For Me 02:28	lyrics	buy track
Guess what! I thought of a really funny joke. I hope to make you laugh so hard your voice will croak You just sit there with a blank stare, to my disdain I come up with another joke and try again You keep a straight face, straight face, straight face unamused No matter how hard I try, I always lose I try to go for funny memes, to no avail And I don't want to walk away feeling I failed So just once, Laugh for me, laugh for me, laugh for me, hey hey Let me feel like I just brightened up your day Just once laugh for me, laugh for me, laugh for me, oh oh This blank response, it does no good for my ego Now I’m wearing clown makeup and juggling pies I do a dance, trip and fall on my behind I perform for you a slapstick puppet act Then I look at you to see how you react You kept a straight face, straight face, straight face this whole time And now I’m quite frankly losing my mind And at this point I’ve tried darn near everything And I don’t want to have to resort to tickling So just once, Laugh for me, laugh for me, laugh for me, hey hey Let me feel like I just brightened up your day Just once laugh for me, laugh for me, laugh for me, oh oh This blank response, it does no good for my ego So please just, Laugh for me, laugh for me, laugh for me, oh oh Delude me into thinking I’m comedy gold Please just laugh for me, laugh for me, laugh for me, har har Inflate my self-extolling sense of comic charm, comic charm
5.	Universal Crush 04:21	lyrics	buy track
She's got that look that you know just cannot be resisted She's got a fire about her, you cannot dismiss it You know if you could be with her, it'd be so divine But you're number 16, now go and take your place in line She's the universal crush The woman for whom every guy lusts Of possible suitors, you're lost in a sea Making the same moves as everybody And you stand the same chance as everyone else And that's zero You've studied her, now you think you could write her life story When all she knows about you is that you think she's sexy What she has shared online, you hope to use to connect to her But everyone's using the same tactics to try to woo her She's the universal crush The woman for whom every guy lusts Of possible suitors, you're lost in a sea Making the same moves as everybody And you stand the same chance as everyone else And that's zero She's overwhelmed by the number of guys Messaging her every hour that goes by She needs time to find herself and find peace She needs your efforts to court her to cease It's not her fault she was given this beauty But she's learned the impact she has quite astutely Maybe one day the right guy will come through But that isn't you She's the universal crush The woman for whom every guy lusts Of possible suitors, you're lost in a sea Making the same moves as everybody And you stand the same chance as everyone else And that's zero You stand the same chance as everyone else And that's zero You stand the same chance as everyone else And that's zero
6.	Piloting An Airplane 01:40	lyrics	buy track
Piloting an airplane, yo ho ho All across the bright blue sky, yo ho ho Yo ho ho and a cup of coffee To stay awake when we take off Piloting an airplane, yo ho ho All aboard! I'm your captain And this here is me crew My copilot sits by me And prays I know what to do Our stewardess hands you snacks, Helps you fall asleep, and then The engineer works on the engine So that you'll live to wake up again, hey! Piloting an airplane, yo ho ho All across the bright blue sky, yo ho ho No setting sail, no climbing masts We spread our wings and splay the slats Piloting an airplane, yo ho ho We're now descending to the ground Don't worry, your luggage is safe. We made sure the edge of the fuselage Is sealed with lots of duct tape Avast! There be a mix up Better alert the control tower! Raise the radio to your mouth And hoist the chhkkk Roger! Piloting an airplane, yo ho ho All across the bright blue sky, yo ho ho Release the gear, here's where we land Oh crap! I confused Taiwan and Thailand Piloting an airplane, yo ho ho
7.	Aches And Pains 04:13	lyrics	buy track
My mind's sayin' I'm young But my body, my body's sayin' I'm old Lately I can hardly move my body And now there's something that I gotta ask (What the heck's going on With these random aches and pains What the heck's going on (2X)) -------- Oh, with these random aches and pains What the heck? Hey-ay-ay-yeah! What the heck's goin' on? With these random aches and pains Hey hey-yay, oh oh ooh whoa I once could bend and jump and run and continue extensively My 20’s were when I felt so free (in my 20’s, yeah) Now this wobbling in my knees, is messing around with me, yeah This ain’t the life that’s meant for me (Not the life, meant for me) You know there’s something so wrong with me, When my ribs hurt after every sneeze (What the heck's going on With these random aches and pains What the heck's going on (2X)) -------- What the heck's goin' on with these random aches and pains? Yeah yeah, yeah yeah, what the heck? I don't like this! I don't like all these random aches and pains, No no, hey yeah I think I pushed myself too long, back when I was young Could a chiropractor give me some love? (I might need it at this point) Every freakin’ time I yawn, I get a strain in my jaw This aging thing is gettin’ rough (This agin' thing, gettin' rough) Now I need something, like anti-aging cream But for my bones and muscles, pretty please (What the heck's going on With these random aches and pains What the heck's going on (4X)) -------- Hey-ay, what's going on? With these random aches and pains Oh-oh, oh whoa What's goin' on with these random aches and pains? I'm not, I'm not, I'm not alright I am sick of all this! Unprovoked, unprovoked random pains! No, no no, no-oh-oh-oh-oh! Everything's wrong, everything's wrong, everything's wrong!
8.	Girl, I Wanna Dance With You 06:07	lyrics	buy track
Girl, I wanna dance with you Girl, that's what I wanna do Girl, you seem so sweet And you look like you're good on your feet Girl, I wanna dance with you Girl, with you, I'd love to dance I wish I could have the chance The music is so smooth It's got me in a soulful mood Girl, I'd love to dance with you But I'm the one stuck on stage singing this song While you've got yourself a partner and you're dancing along It's just so hard to keep my feelings canned I can't dance with you, and I just wanna sob But I have to act professional and just do my job 'Cause I'm the singer of this stupid band Girl, my arms feel so alone But I'm bound by this microphone Your dancing is so swift I'm watching you while getting gypped Girl, I wanna dance with you But stuck on stage is where I am The band won't play instrumental jams Such a plight is one I just can't dig I could've danced with you to another act If I was on the schedule towards the back But I got screwed by playing the opening gig Sure, the crowd cheers on while I'm singing my song But it's only for a dance in your arms that I long But I can't let on that I'm not having a blast I traveled to this gig for such a long drive Now my eyes are on you as you dance with some other guy And the venue's barely paying for my gas Girl, I wanna dance with you Girl, that's what I wanna do But looking on is now my plight 'Cause he's probably gotten you for the night But girl, I wanna dance with you
9.	Country Crowd 03:27	lyrics	buy track
I've been hopping open mic nights I've heard what the crowds are into And it seems like country singers are growing In popularity Now I am multi genre But in my extensive backlog Of nearly two hundred fifty songs Country songs, I have three Now this suburban Yankee Is tryin' it once again Despite not livin' the lifestyle I hope this song's allowed I'll always choose the Chinese Buffet Over grits, biscuits and gravy And I just don't fit in with the country crowd Well the beer I drink is root beer The boots I wear are galoshes And a roll of Bounty paper towels Is my only pickup I can replicate the song style I can try to don the accent But the fact I'm faker than a three eyed gator Is my biggest hiccup I'm tryin' way too hard To make a southern style metaphor Like a mutated cluster of cotton candy Trying to be a cloud I'm a decent imitation But like a sloth amidst a stampede I just don't fit in with the country crowd I'm clearly not a country guy Rock is how I roll But at least I know who my people are Which ones I'm gonna wow I can dress in cowboy attire But like an armored knight at a nude beach I just don't fit in with the country crowd No, I just don’t fit in with the country crowd No, I just don’t fit in with the country crowd
10.	Now What's Gone Wrong 04:54	lyrics	buy track
A grand and a half spent on my brakes I'll be on the streets beggin' for change at this rate I know, to keep my car runnin' Just at the shop for an oil change When the manager looks at me kinda strange I know, I'm out another grand I break down sometimes on the side of the road Then I mentally have a breakdown of my own As I, I notice a major malfunction So I laugh as if this is a practical joke Then I open my hood and clear out the smoke And I look at my car and I scream, "Now what's gone wrong?" And I said, "Hey-ey-ey-yeah Hey-ey-ey," I said "Hey, now what's gone wrong?" And I said, "Hey-ey-ey-yeah Hey-ey-ey," I said "Hey, now what's gone wrong?" Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh And my ride is held up by zip ties I got 5 lit warning lights and 3 violations And I save all I make and I pray I pray one day I can pay for sophistication Until then, I get by in the clunker I got That rattles and clanks like a dying robot And shakes like me when my girl steals my blanket My car is just like my body, it's falling apart And I'm back in the shop with a heavy heart As my mechanic facepalms and asks, "Now what's gone wrong?" And I said, "Hey-ey-ey-yeah Hey-ey-ey," I said "Hey, now what's gone wrong?" And I said, "Hey-ey-ey-yeah Hey-ey-ey," I said "Hey, now what's gone wrong?" And I said, "Hey-ey-ey-yeah Hey-ey-ey," I said "Hey, now what's gone wrong?" And I said, "Hey-ey-ey-yeah Hey-ey, yay-yay-yay," I said "Hey, now what's gone wrong?" Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh 25 grand spent on my car 2 grand off the lot, the rest fixing scars Asking if secondhand sales are worth it
11.	I Just Cleaned My Glasses 02:35	lyrics	buy track
It's been at least six months I decided it was time I just cleaned my glasses today! The clarity made me feel blind It caused a strain upon my eyes The dirt and specks upon my specs I was used to my vision abated But being able to see unhindered Left me discombobulated (Did you feel like Saul on his way to Damascus) Certainly something wrong with my eyes (Did a voice send you out on a mission) No, not an intervention divine But amidst the pained confusion I saw vivid inhuman imagery Could all these foreign illusions Be a prophetic epiphany? Where everybody else saw a horse I saw a flaming orange unicorn When everybody else heard a neigh I heard of disasters of which he warned I saw a ferocious monster of green Donned in armor, using dark magic unseen Commanding an army of the undead And sharp horned magical demons of red They snatched the innocent, crushed their souls Locked them up in dungeon holes Then the unicorn said to me with a smile The world's fate is held by a crocodile! I think I've seen to much now Time to get dirt back on my specs I think I'll wait another six months To clean my glasses again
12.	In Your Arms 02:13	lyrics	buy track
I don't wanna see him in your arms I don't wanna see him in your arms I've been with you for so long Till that intruder came along And I don't wanna see him in your arms I have lived inside your stomach Since I don't know when I've lived through every medicine You've tried to drown me in I thought I could infect you Without facing any harm Till that antibiotic came Through that needle in your arm I don't wanna see him in your arms I don't wanna see him in your arms Here with you, I wish to be But soon he will get rid of me I don't wanna see him in your arms I don't mean to hurt you, Though I know I cause unease Your shivers are adorable You're so cute when you sneeze I got really excited Though I probably should have not When you said you were finally Going to give me a shot I don't wanna see him in your arms I don't wanna see him in your arms But you wish to have good health again So our relationship shall end 'Cause that antibiotic in your arm Will beat me till I'm permanently gone
13.	Pet Me Now, Human 04:10	lyrics	buy track
I'm your cat, I'm your cat, And I'm tired of being ignored You've had your face in that book Since 4:06, now it's 4:13 And it's time for me to intervene, Intervene On the couch, I meow You're ignoring me again So I crawl on your lap And I stick my head right in your face To remind you I'm charge of this place, This place So pet me now, human, pe-pe-pet me now, human Pet me now, human, pe-pe-pet me now, human Pet me now, human, pe-pe-pet me now, human What are you waiting for? You're absorbed in your game, Now your food is on the floor You were warned by my cries So the fault's completely yours alone Your cat wants love, put down your phone Your phone It's me that sets the pace Your bff can wait Tell her "buzz off," I'm more important than that bore! What are you waiting for? Pet me now, human, pe-pe-pet me now, human (Pet me now) Pet me now, human, pe-pe-pet me now, human Pet me now, human, pe-pe-pet me now, human What are you waiting for? Scratch my ears, human, scra-scra-scratch my ears, human (Pet me now) Rub my chin, human, ru-ru-rub my chin, human (Yeah) Pet me now, human, pe-pe-pet me now, human What are you waiting for? It's me that sets the pace I've got too cute a face You can't resist the petting For which I implore What are you waiting for? Pet me now, human, pe-pe-pet me now, human (Pet me now) Pet me now, human, pe-pe-pet me now, human (Yeah) Pet me now, human, pe-pe-pet me now, human What are you waiting for? Scratch my ears, human, scra-scra-scratch my ears, human (Pet me now) Rub my chin, human, ru-ru-rub my chin, human (Ohhhh, oh ho) Pet me now, human, pe-pe-pet me now, human What are you waiting for?
14.	Everybody's Doing It 03:13	lyrics	buy track
Welcome friend, step this way Find the sign that matches your sex And walk on in through that door Into the stall where everyone ejects Empty yourself of bodily waste And flush it away to a faraway place Don't worry about feeling odd, my friend It's a very popular trend Everybody's doing it Now it's your turn to do it too Perhaps for you this is new You're not the type to follow the crowd But your body is telling you To use your bladder which God endowed The cool kids are doing it, so should you Even the uncool kids do it too You say you won't, and we say "Whoa, man," It's perfectly natural, get with the program Everybody's doing it Now it's your turn to do it too You'll feel so much better after whizzin' There's no need for nonconformism I get that you like to stand out from the crowd, But if you go in your pants there'll be no one around So come on in, release your pride Don't try to defy like you're the boss Just let it go, do what's right Be one of us, it's for a good cause There's no need to go up in arms You're in privacy, and it brings no harm In fact it recycles the environment So there's nothing for you to go against Everybody's doing it Now it's your turn to do it too Don't try to fake it, just play your role Don't bring in water to pour in the bowl I can afterwards stick my nose there To tell if you're real or being a poser So just comply, acquiesce Be a good follower and a good sport Don't make a stink, unless it's brown Don't waste your breath on Karen-style retorts Don't be the lone soldier against the ensemble Don't be a Guy Montag or Oliver Cromwell It only takes just one or two minutes After that you can continue your living Everybody's doing it Now it's your turn to do it too
15.	Lost In IKEA 06:52	lyrics	buy track
The doors are locked and the lights are out And I don't know where I am The masses all left hours ago And I couldn't find my way out, so Now I'm wandering through this maze Of tables and nightstands I always heard the jokes about how easy It is to get lost in here But never did I think it'd be this way Not escaping before the end of the day And the fact no employee had seen me Seems a little weird I stumbled my way through so many paths Wondering which way I should go Now I'm fumbling around in the darkness Wishing I was Indiana Jones I don't even have a flashlight And the battery's dead on my phone I'm lost in IKEA all alone I'll lie on this bed that says "For display only" Nothing much to do but sleep I doubt I'll have luck finding anything else And at least I'm concealed up in here by myself What's the worst that could happen to me? Next morning they'll open back up And soon enough I'll be found But they'll know I was here overnight Because they'll be here before the crowd They'll call the police for criminal trespass I'll pay a quarter grand for a fee 30 days in jail will be my cost I can tell them all I want that I just got lost But who are they gonna believe? Now I'm scrambling around through the furniture Finding something under which I can hide I'm not near a window and I can't see a clock So I don't have a single reference for time And I don't even know if this is a safe place I don't know where they keep all the cameras placed And I'm feelin' my heart begin to race I doubt I can even sleep through the night I stumbled my way through so many paths Wondering which way I should go Now I'm fumbling around in the darkness Wishing I was Indiana Jones All I can feel are desks and walls No chance for escape in sight I'll be lost in IKEA overnight I lie on the floor in the silent dark The time of night is unclear I don't know if opening time is near I'm mentally facing my every fear I'm shaking and praying a police escort Is not my only ticket out of here Off in the distance, a shimmering light The moment of truth, I feel it inside Is it the window welcoming daylight? Or is it a guard keeping watch by night? Pray for the best, prepare for the worst As I turn a whiter shade of pale I don't know which way will fall my luck I just know that in here I'll no longer be stuck But either I'll be safe and sound at home Or facing time in jail A sweet, friendly voice says "Come with me There's a new one lost here once a week It's my job to redeem the lost For you, my friend, no extra cost." She took my hand and I gave her my thanks She knew exactly where to go She tells me of the accidental vagabonds She rescues when they roam I thank her for her services As she guides me out the door I'm not lost in IKEA anymore So now I return to my home sweet home A familiar roof above my head With my kitty cat wanting to show me love While I'm lying on my bed A movie on Netflix, and a full blown dinner Served by a butler would make me glad Well, I don't have a butler, But two out of three ain't bad
16.	Straight A Failure 08:26	lyrics	buy track
I was smart when I was in school Did my homework and followed the rules Passed the tests, believed I'd go far 'Cause I worked very hard To learn the things I was told My parents and teachers were pleased With my report cards of A's and B's I was made to be proud of my grades I was frequently praised For how well I did what I was told Pass the tests, I did that so greatly Do your work, I did as they asked me As I watched my peers get punished For acting out of line I knew I should be a good boy That's how to get far in life "You're gonna be a great success!" That's what I fully believed "Follow orders, you're gonna thrive" That's the life that I had perceived So close to my dream Just to miss the mark when school was done Life's not what it seems Adult life is not about passing tests Here's what school didn't teach you, Here's what you missed - - - - - Life after school has so much to teach me So many lessons I haven't yet had The reality I kept myself sheltered from The stuff I grew up believing was bad School gives you questions that are either right or wrong But life gives you gray situations Factor in experience, difference in backgrounds, Provoking such varied emotions Everything I grew up believing was right Has gotten me nowhere at all What was perfect to authority in my formative years Later on caused me to fall! Do well at your job, get seen as dependable, Too much expectation gets dumped on your plate Try to express that you feel overwhelmed Just to get yelled at by a boss who's now irate Working a job for so little pay Barely surviving, it mentally hurts But now it's to the point I'm stuck in a trap But if I step out of line, I just make things worse Doing what I was told once made me happy I used to be rewarded for my compliance But now all it does is leave me feeling empty Playing a pawn to the corporate giants Everything I grew up believing was right Has gotten me nowhere at all What was perfect to authority in my formative years Later on caused me to fall! I spent my child years obeying adults Being so great because I stayed in line But in this adult world, it just made me spiral Into confusion and mental decline - - - - - Now here I am in my thirties Having learned what real life is By failing at it so drastically When I could succeed at it on paper Now to figure out my true self What my life is meant to be And how I'm gonna get there