Lost In IKEA

from Ace Of All Trades by Derwood Bowen

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lyrics

The doors are locked and the lights are out
And I don't know where I am
The masses all left hours ago
And I couldn't find my way out, so
Now I'm wandering through this maze
Of tables and nightstands

I always heard the jokes about how easy
It is to get lost in here
But never did I think it'd be this way
Not escaping before the end of the day
And the fact no employee had seen me
Seems a little weird

I stumbled my way through so many paths
Wondering which way I should go
Now I'm fumbling around in the darkness
Wishing I was Indiana Jones
I don't even have a flashlight
And the battery's dead on my phone
I'm lost in IKEA all alone

I'll lie on this bed that says "For display only"
Nothing much to do but sleep
I doubt I'll have luck finding anything else
And at least I'm concealed up in here by myself
What's the worst that could happen to me?

Next morning they'll open back up
And soon enough I'll be found
But they'll know I was here overnight
Because they'll be here before the crowd
They'll call the police for criminal trespass
I'll pay a quarter grand for a fee
30 days in jail will be my cost
I can tell them all I want that I just got lost
But who are they gonna believe?

Now I'm scrambling around through the furniture
Finding something under which I can hide
I'm not near a window and I can't see a clock
So I don't have a single reference for time
And I don't even know if this is a safe place
I don't know where they keep all the cameras placed
And I'm feelin' my heart begin to race
I doubt I can even sleep through the night

I stumbled my way through so many paths
Wondering which way I should go
Now I'm fumbling around in the darkness
Wishing I was Indiana Jones
All I can feel are desks and walls
No chance for escape in sight
I'll be lost in IKEA overnight

I lie on the floor in the silent dark
The time of night is unclear
I don't know if opening time is near
I'm mentally facing my every fear
I'm shaking and praying a police escort
Is not my only ticket out of here

Off in the distance, a shimmering light
The moment of truth, I feel it inside
Is it the window welcoming daylight?
Or is it a guard keeping watch by night?
Pray for the best, prepare for the worst
As I turn a whiter shade of pale
I don't know which way will fall my luck
I just know that in here I'll no longer be stuck
But either I'll be safe and sound at home
Or facing time in jail

A sweet, friendly voice says "Come with me
There's a new one lost here once a week
It's my job to redeem the lost
For you, my friend, no extra cost."

She took my hand and I gave her my thanks
She knew exactly where to go
She tells me of the accidental vagabonds
She rescues when they roam
I thank her for her services
As she guides me out the door
I'm not lost in IKEA anymore

So now I return to my home sweet home
A familiar roof above my head
With my kitty cat wanting to show me love
While I'm lying on my bed
A movie on Netflix, and a full blown dinner
Served by a butler would make me glad
Well, I don't have a butler,
But two out of three ain't bad