Get all 8 Derwood Bowen releases available on Bandcamp and save 25%.
Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of Ace Of All Trades, Passing With Levitating Colors, Sacre Boooo, Lightbulb-Eating Selfie, Throwbacks, Screw You, Mayan Predictions, I've Made Another Album, Slap Unhappy, and A-Dork-Able.
1. |
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Brandon: Hey, Matt, I think there's a scratch in the master recording here.
Matt: You mean the CD is scratched?
Brandon: No, I mean the master recording is scratched.
Matt: WHAT?! You're an idiot, Brandon! Master recordings don't get scratched, the recording itself is merely data. It's the disk itself that's scratched.
Brandon: The disk isn't scratched. See for yourself!
Matt: Well... how the heck are you getting that the master recording itself is scratched?
Brandon: I have this device, see, that makes your data appear like a physical object on the screen. You can see the scratch on the screen right there! The song itself will probably skip even though the CD timer itself is still going.
Matt: WHAT?! Brandon, I think that device is fake and you've lost some marbles that you've never HAD!!!!!! Put the CD in the player, and prove the "master recording" has a scratch!!!!!
Brandon: Suit yourself!
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We have a waste of your time
As we pound some beat into your brain
And we take an old song
And we make it sound all wrong
Oh, we have a waste of your time
As we pound some beat into your brain
And we take an old song
And we make it sound all wrong
(The word "wrong" repeats under the dialogue)
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Brandon: What did I tell you?
Matt: WHAT?! THAT'S BULL!!!!
Brandon: Nope, this device can treat the master recording like a CD!
Matt: If it can, then use it to skip forward on the master recording!!!!
Brandon: Fine
(a sound of skipping forward is heard, music starts)
Matt: I wasn't serious! How did you do that anyway?!
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We-we came on the music scene
Making what appeals to teens
Studying our talent limits
Figuring out what we need
We need a beat that grabs hold
If we're to rise above gold
Because our best lyrics
Are the ones we sampled
Way back in the 1980's
Musicians were not lazy
But now we have to go do this crap
It's what makes the kids go crazy
And for those of the ways of old
Who like the original
Sorry, this is how the music
Of the 2000's unfolds
'Cause WE'RE... RUINING... A GOOD... SONG... FOR YOU...
THAT'S HOW WE ROLL
We have a waste of your time
As we pound some beat into your brain
And we take an old song
And we make it sound all wrong
Oh, we have a waste of your time
As we pound some beat into your brain
And we take an old song
And we make it sound all wrong
(The word "wrong" repeats under the dialogue)
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Brandon: Should I skip forward again?
(A hard pound is heard, music starts playing like normal)
Brandon: (timidly) ...or that works
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All-all these kids, they like our beats
As they're dancin' on their feet
We be crankin' out more hits
It's really an amazing feat
That they give our careers a buff
You'd think they'd have enough
'Cause everything they dance to
Is the exact same stuff
Platinum records on the wall
Who's the sic-est of them all?
Yeah, it's us, the Peas, making
Fresh cuts for you all
At least, that's how we appear
To kids of not many years
Because the original song,
They haven't had the chance to hear!
This is a knockoff that calls the Black Eyed Peas knockoffs!
This is blasphemy! This is madness! This... is... Sparta!!!
'Cause WE'RE... RUINING... A GOOD... SONG... FOR YOU...
THAT'S HOW WE ROLL
We have a waste of your time
As we pound some beat into your brain
And we take an old song
And we make it sound all wrong
Oh, we have a waste of your time
As we pound some beat into your brain
And we take an old song
And we make it sound all wrong
We have a waste of your time
As we pound some beat into your brain
And we take an old song
And we make it sound all wrong
Oh, we have a waste of your time
As we pound some beat into your brain
And we take an old song
And we make it sound all wrong
(The word "wrong" repeats under the dialogue)
-----------------------------------------------------------
Matt: (angrily) THAT'S IT!!!!!
**smash of window is heard, followed by falling sound, followed by a splat**
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Broken bits!
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2. |
Bathtub
03:24
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Oh, these days, I simply spend my time alone
It's hard to get together with my friends
And I'll never get close to a woman
Since my bathtub sank in the swamp way back when
Oh, bathtub, you were my best and truest friend
With you gone, I may never have my life back again
I think back to how you started me off right every single day
Oh, bathtub, why did you go away?
Oh, bathtub, you were the best thing in my life
And I never realized that until you sank out of my sight
Did my taking you for granted make you want to commit suicide?
And that wind's coming was you hailing it like you would for a taxi ride
Oh, bathtub, I miss you so
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3. |
The Route 75 Song
04:10
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They took construction tools
And got 75 narrowed
But they'll wait 'til someone dies
Before they fix the road
The road, the road
Just like the grasshopper
Sees no immediate need for work
They got the concrete barriers,
But still refuse to do any...
Dang construction!
They think the drivers will have fun
Working through an obstacle course
A crash would make them change,
'Cause of lawsuits, not remorse
Remorse, remorse
Just like most government programs,
They wait until it's life or death
Only when their rep's at stake,
Will they get up for anything...
Just like most government programs,
They wait until they're the biggest need
They know we still can drive it okay,
But still this freeway...
Still, this freeway needs construction!
I can only imagine when
The rest of the road gives way
The barriers will be so wide
Might as well have them paved
Them paved, them paved
Just like most government programs,
They wait until it's life or death
Only when their rep's at stake,
Will they get up for anything...
Just like most government programs,
They wait until they're the biggest need
They know we still can drive it okay,
But still this freeway...
Still, this freeway needs construction!
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4. |
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You used to be the perfect girl,
But I forgot about those days
I don't remember loving you,
I just remember throwing that love in the waste
I'm letting you be forgotten,
It's over and we're through,
And never will you hear me sing a song
That has anything to do with you
That's right, what you hear is only your imagination
You're nowhere on my mind, and you're no longer missed
This is only because our record label forces this on every emo band
You're not worth singing about, so to you, this song doesn't exist
This isn't reverse psychology,
No, honestly, I want you to go
Be sure to change the station
When this song comes on the radio
I don't need your attention,
I'm done wasting my time
I think this song is solid proof
I've dropped you from my mind
That's right, what you hear is only your imagination
You're nowhere on my mind, and you're no longer missed
This is only because our record label forces this on every emo band
You're not worth singing about, so to you, this song doesn't exist
In my heart, I've forgotten that there's such a thing as you
I've gone crazy enough to sing to thin air, now what am I gonna do?
That's right, what you hear is only your imagination
You're nowhere on my mind, and you're no longer missed
This is only because our record label forces this on every emo band
You're not worth singing about,
So to you, this song is only your imagination
You're nowhere on my mind, and you're no longer missed
This is only because our record label forces this on every emo band
You're not worth singing about, so to you, this song doesn't exist
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5. |
Mama Luigi
03:33
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Here we are in Dinosaur Land,
Trouble starts, I'm falling for hours, and
I land on rocks, overshadowed by some blocks
I find an egg, I watch it hatch
A baby dinosaur, I look up and think that's
His parents there, think I'll leave the kid and go elsewhere.
So, I start to turn around...
But then, what do I hear him say as he starts to follow me?
"Mama, Mama Luigi"
The dinosaurs are starved, and I'm his only source of safety,
as Mama, Mama Luigi
Turns out he'd be alone, So now I have to raise him as my own,
And ever since that day, we've established who I am to Yoshi,
I'm Mama, Mama Luigi
We escaped through a pipe, wound up in the woods,
Surrounded by worms, found out they taste very good
To my new buddy, though I asked for help already
Along comes Mario, to try to bail us out
Yoshi swallows him whole, I make him spit him back out,
He now looks slobbery. Hey Mario, meet my new buddy!
But then, as I...
Try to call him 'buddy,' what does he, in return, call me?
Mama, Mama Luigi!
Being a guy called Mama has Mario laughing at me!
Mama, Mama Luigi!
Now, off to the Princess, we'll get her from King Koopa's place of rest
Now I must be a hero and keep the title bestowed me:
Mama, Mama Luigi!
Aw, snap, Yoshi's running away! Nom, nom, on everything in our way!
By threat of his hunger spree, King Koopa let the Princess free!!!
Now everyone is safe thanks to the secret weapon courtesy
Of Mama, Mama Luigi
After what the kid accomplished, I now wear that title proudly,
Mama, Mama Luigi
I'll remember this day well, I'll always have a great story to tell,
And I dream I'll be immortalized as an internet meme,
Mama, Mama Luigi!
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6. |
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Parry Gripp singing about a YouTube vid
Parry Gripp singing about a YouTube vid
Parry Gripp singing about a YouTube vid
Parry Gripp singing about a YouTube vid
When a video goes up on YouTube
And gets a very high number of views
When the video on its own simply won't do
And it needs a theme song, Parry Gripp is your dude
Parry Gripp singing about a YouTube vid
Parry Gripp singing about a YouTube vid
Parry Gripp singing about a YouTube vid
Parry Gripp singing about a YouTube vid
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7. |
I Make The Flubs
04:04
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I'm always socially clumsy
And as an Aspie, I've been dubbed
But I know enough to give out social advice
I am learning from each of my flubs
I've made the flubs that make my image skewed
I've used wrong words and missed nonverbal cues
I've said the things that made the cute girls flee
I've made the flubs, I've made the flubs
I am your prime example
Of the role model's contrast
But I'm not the blind leading the blind in this case
One can learn from the flubs of my past
I make the flubs so that you don't repeat
I make the flubs, so you can learn from me
I make the flubs, so you don't go through my plights
I make the flubs, I make the flubs
Oh, those who go through the same, are at whom this song is aimed
I am here to help out, so don't give up hope
This song is to make it known to you that you're not alone
It's from me, it's for you, it's so that you can see
It's a chance for you to learn from me
I've made the flubs that make my image skewed
I've used wrong words and missed nonverbal cues
I've said the things that made the cute girls flee
I've made the flubs, I've made the flubs
I make the flubs so that you don't repeat
I make the flubs, so you can learn from me
I make the flubs, so you don't go through my plights
I make the flubs, I make the flubs
I'm an example who has made the flubs
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8. |
Clear Voice of Reason
02:19
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I took influence from this girl at work to stop crushing innocent flies
I took influence from this girl at work to try to clean up my mind
But there's nothing in it for me,
Nothing going on there, you see,
No other factor is speaking
She's just a clear voice of reason
Nothing going on emotionally
No worries, no cares for me
Despite what you may be thinkin',
She's just a clear voice of reason
I took influence from this girl at work to hang my head when I go wrong
I took influence from this girl at work to write this little song
But it's not from lovestruck feeling
There's nothing that I am concealing
I hope that this is convincing
That she's just a clear voice of reason
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9. |
Snow Drive
03:49
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Snow Drive intimidates me, know-how all escapes me
Snow Drive, ice is slippery, that's why people hate me
I'm on the road, and I start to slide
Lost my IQ points when overcome by fright!
Ooh, Snow Drive, Ooh
Snow Drive, ice will get me, friction works against me
Slow Down, slide 'round, relying on a curb to halt me
Spiteful people see my helpless plight and insult me
I'm on the road, and I take a hit
Because I had bad luck, I'm percieved as a twit
Ooh...
Snow Drive won't go easy, Spin-outs make me queasy
Slow down, slide 'round, on the road, I'm on the other side
I drove far over, too many lanes, I just crossed the line
Snow Drive, these are bleak days, donuts on the freeway
Snow Drive, I look stupid, Snow Drive...
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10. |
Water
02:12
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Alright, it's time to make this track pwn. Time to prepare for *cough* *cough* Ooh, time to hydrate... give me... (hi-hats start) NO! I'M NOT READY! I NEED TO... AW CRAP...
Slave of the microphone, music starts too soon
Throat is too dry, larynx spelling out its own doom
Music still going, water bottle is taunting me
But I've got a song to do, so I press on mightily
I think that I can make it through at least a verse
Thankfully there's no coughing, but the roof of my mouth hurts
I can do this *cough* *cough* with ease
I *cough* *cough* OW! *cough* HELP ME PLEASE!!
WATER! WATER! I NEED WATER!!!
WATER! WATER! I NEED WATER!!!
WATER! WATER! I NEED WATER!!!
I NEED AN INSTRUMENTAL BREAK!!!!!
(long growl) I hope I can copy and paste that after the next chorus
Instruments don't need breaks, in them I am of envy
Death metal singing will be the death of me
I was given too much to do and for way too long
Maybe next time, I should be the one who writes the song
Instead of the band members, who played a really cruel joke
I feel the shape of a razorblade inside my throat
But it actually is my throat, and it's cutting itself
My options at this point are to take death, or else...
WATER! WATER! I NEED WATER!!!
WATER! WATER! I NEED WATER!!!
WATER! WATER! I NEED WATER!!!
I NEED AN INSTRUMENTAL BREAK!!!!!
(series of short growls) WHO WRITES THIS STUFF WHERE I HAVE TO RUN SOLID MINUTES OF THIS?!?!?!
Ah, good, the end is near, I can see it coming up
I can relax and drink, because my throat has had enough
Time to give my throat a refreshing liquid massage
Grab the bottle, find out it's a... DESERT MIRAGE?!
(whispered loudly) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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11. |
Platform Racing
02:31
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This one goes out to Jiggmin out on Kongregate
For a game that he decided to create
Liked the title, thought I'd try it out just once
How'd I wind up addicted to it for months
Take the concept of a 2D platformer
Mix it with a competition to get to the end
And fight with weapons with real people everywhere
For a game of epic win!
Against each other (RACING)
On Platform (RACING)
Never bored 'cause players here will always abound
Against each other (RACING)
On Platform (RACING)
Smokin' all the newbies out in every round
You're far ahead, take a lightning strike
You took my hat, I'll get it back with a good sword swipe
I'm reminding other players when they get owned
During gameplay in the on-screen chat window
We duke it out, gain experience, level up
And see the cool courses when our level's high enough
Or share our own created levels on the game
So there's something new every day
Against each other (RACING)
On Platform (RACING)
Never bored 'cause players here will always abound
Against each other (RACING)
On Platform (RACING)
Smokin' all the newbies out in every round
Against each other (RACING)
On Platform (RACING)
Never bored 'cause players here will always abound
Against each other (RACING)
On Platform (RACING)
Smokin' all the newbies out in every round
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12. |
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[LEMMING LEADER]
We lemmings have been through several computer games' worth of toil. We've encountered odd worlds, some made of earth, and some made of brick. We had to work together, and occasionally we lost a few of our brethren to water, explosions, traps, or to realms that even our mystical guide in life, known to you as the cursor, could not reach. After 600 levels of this crap (559 if you don't count the repeated levels with different skill assignments in the original game), we eventually found our promised land, where we would be at peace, be it in deserts, forests, or even the snowy wilderness. Little did we know, we had... and I say this with air quotes... fans...
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[WEASELS IN UNISON]
Lemmings on our movies, lemmings on our films
Lemmings on adventures in many unknown realms
Lemmings enter level, lemmings go to exit
Lemming is skillful when their cursor directs it
Lemmings bash through towers, lemmings safely float
Weasels press fast forward on our remote
Lemmings fall in water, lemmings caught in trap
Weasels in the theater all laugh, cheer, and clap
Lemmings fall off screen, lemmings all go splat,
Lemmings get blown up and particles all scat
Weasels finish film, still not comically relieved
Weasels have their own ideas for traps up their sleeve
Weasels have the tools, but victims we have none
Time to grab some lemmings and have our own fun!
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[LEMMING LEADER]
We lemmings lived peaceably and had no worries, until...
We were captured...
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(instrumental section of weasels loading the lemmings onto their trucks)
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[LEMMING LEADER]
The job of a lemming is thankless
For no reason, they want to prank us
We're left to ponder our fate
From inside a dark, dreary crate
[LEMMINGS IN UNISON]
Where are we going? Where are we going?
Where are we going? Where are we going?
[LEMMING LEADER]
Like slaves, we are packed in airtight
Misfortune is in our foresight
Another adventure ahead
Could force more random brethren dead
[LEMMINGS IN UNISON]
Where are we going? Where are we going?
Where are we going? Where are we going?
[LEMMING LEADER]
Wondering what our captors want
But not even those near the front
Can hear through two sound barriers
Could our lives be any scarier?
[LEMMINGS IN UNISON]
Where are we going? Where are we going?
Where are we going? Where are we going?
Where are we going? Where are we going?
Where are we going? (etc...)
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[WEASELS IN UNISON]
Let us weasels get to work! Let us weasels get to work!
Let us weasels get to work! Let us weasels get to work! (fade in)
[WEASEL LEADER]
Nature's traps are way too bland
Lots of towers, we will stand
With confusing obstacles
Leave their confidence fickle
Teleports throw them around
Pads that flip them upside down
By the lemmings we can't be shirked
Let us weasels get to work!
[WEASELS IN UNISON]
Let us weasels get to work! Let us weasels get to work!
Let us weasels get to work! Let us weasels get to work!
Let us weasels get to work! (etc...)
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(instrumental section of weasels constructing the towers)
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[WEASEL LEADER]
We have the box in its space
We have the traps carefully placed
But we can't motivate them to move about
Until we offer up a way out
Place their exit balloons, give them a false sense of hope
Then lure them the wrong direction, put them at the end of their rope
Open the box! Cue the lemmings' "Let's Go!"
And have them fall victim to our innovation!
Ladies and gentlemen, weasels of all ages, our own feature presentation!
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[LEMMING LEADER]
Pressing forward, on we drone
In what's almost a war zone
Forced to have some casualties
While percieved a novelty
But we have nothing with which to fight
Still we venture through in spite
Forecasting calamity
That gives our captors ecstasy
[LEMMINGS IN UNISON]
Oh, Great Green Cursor on the screen
Save us from their wicked schemes
On our own, we can't but wander
Leaving just our fates to ponder
Left to die if we just walk
Won't you watch us like a hawk?
Be our source of extra skills
So we can climb, dig, or build
[CURSOR]
My dear lemmings, try as I might
Skills I can give you are finite
As well as my given minutes
I'm not God, I have my limits
Even though this sounds so daft
Weasels are pros at their craft
But don't wander in disdain
I'll beat them at their own game
No, I cannot get you all
But, I'll slow down to a crawl
Their excitement, just you watch
Though they step things up a notch
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(This section starts with lemmings going "Yippee," and the weasels getting increasingly angrier)
[WEASELS IN UNISON]
Simple falls and water aren't enough
Time to throw in unpredicted stuff
Traps that change their pace upon a switch
For further wacky oddities we itch
Floors that are unstable
Water tanks that drain
Spinning spiky logs
And weasels in the game!
Birds and crabs that sit there, for that matter
That when lemmings run into them, they shatter
We don't why it works, but we love it
So, tell your great green cursor thing to shove it!
We're gonna have some fun
And make your life disheveled
Laughing at your pain
While in our work, we revel
Up to the final level
Up to the final level
Up to the final level
Up to the final level
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[LEMMINGS IN UNISON]
Walls are in the way
Endless pits are, too
Oh, Dear Great Green Cursor
What wouldst thou have us do?
[CURSOR]
First one of you out
I'll appoint the scout
To bash, mine, and build
That your quest may be fulfilled
[WEASELS]
There's too many switches
And water tanks ahead
It's too much for their cursor
They're sure to wind up dead
[CURSOR]
Pause the game to plan
(silence)
I've got the right commands
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[LEMMINGS IN UNISON]
Marching to our freedom, weasels' minds will be thrown
March to the balloon that will return us home
March out of this madness through the final frontier
And hope another game is not released for a few years
[WEASELS IN UNISON]
We curse the cursor, spurting that it hurt us in the worst
They pervert our perfect works and have our smirks reversed
All we made maliciously placed far and nigh
Because it's fun to watch the lemmings PAINFULLY DIE!!!!!
PAINFULLY DIE!!!!! PAINFULLY DIE!!!!! PAINFULLY DIE!!!!!
PAINFULLY DIE!!!!! PAINFULLY DIE!!!!! (etc...)
The "PAINFULLY DIE!!!!!" repeats, but fades out, as lemmings entering their balloon continually shout "YIPPEE!!!" until...
[WEASEL LEADER]
STOP CELEBRATING EACH OF YOU HOPPING IN YOUR BALLOON WITH A YIPPEEEEEEE...
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[LEMMINGS IN UNISON]
For those who were spiked, or forced to go splat,
Or those who took a water, acid, or lava bath
For those who contributed to the joy the weasels amassed,
We mourn for our brethren who have unfortunately passed
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Derwood Bowen Columbus, Ohio
Music in a fairly wide array of genres, with my own unusual sense of humor thrown in. I mainly make music for the purpose of entertaining people.
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