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Slap Unhappy

by Derwood Bowen

/
1.
Brandon: Hey, Matt, I think there's a scratch in the master recording here. Matt: You mean the CD is scratched? Brandon: No, I mean the master recording is scratched. Matt: WHAT?! You're an idiot, Brandon! Master recordings don't get scratched, the recording itself is merely data. It's the disk itself that's scratched. Brandon: The disk isn't scratched. See for yourself! Matt: Well... how the heck are you getting that the master recording itself is scratched? Brandon: I have this device, see, that makes your data appear like a physical object on the screen. You can see the scratch on the screen right there! The song itself will probably skip even though the CD timer itself is still going. Matt: WHAT?! Brandon, I think that device is fake and you've lost some marbles that you've never HAD!!!!!! Put the CD in the player, and prove the "master recording" has a scratch!!!!! Brandon: Suit yourself! ----------------------------------------------------------- We have a waste of your time As we pound some beat into your brain And we take an old song And we make it sound all wrong Oh, we have a waste of your time As we pound some beat into your brain And we take an old song And we make it sound all wrong (The word "wrong" repeats under the dialogue) ----------------------------------------------------------- Brandon: What did I tell you? Matt: WHAT?! THAT'S BULL!!!! Brandon: Nope, this device can treat the master recording like a CD! Matt: If it can, then use it to skip forward on the master recording!!!! Brandon: Fine (a sound of skipping forward is heard, music starts) Matt: I wasn't serious! How did you do that anyway?! ----------------------------------------------------------- We-we came on the music scene Making what appeals to teens Studying our talent limits Figuring out what we need We need a beat that grabs hold If we're to rise above gold Because our best lyrics Are the ones we sampled Way back in the 1980's Musicians were not lazy But now we have to go do this crap It's what makes the kids go crazy And for those of the ways of old Who like the original Sorry, this is how the music Of the 2000's unfolds 'Cause WE'RE... RUINING... A GOOD... SONG... FOR YOU... THAT'S HOW WE ROLL We have a waste of your time As we pound some beat into your brain And we take an old song And we make it sound all wrong Oh, we have a waste of your time As we pound some beat into your brain And we take an old song And we make it sound all wrong (The word "wrong" repeats under the dialogue) ----------------------------------------------------------- Brandon: Should I skip forward again? (A hard pound is heard, music starts playing like normal) Brandon: (timidly) ...or that works ----------------------------------------------------------- All-all these kids, they like our beats As they're dancin' on their feet We be crankin' out more hits It's really an amazing feat That they give our careers a buff You'd think they'd have enough 'Cause everything they dance to Is the exact same stuff Platinum records on the wall Who's the sic-est of them all? Yeah, it's us, the Peas, making Fresh cuts for you all At least, that's how we appear To kids of not many years Because the original song, They haven't had the chance to hear! This is a knockoff that calls the Black Eyed Peas knockoffs! This is blasphemy! This is madness! This... is... Sparta!!! 'Cause WE'RE... RUINING... A GOOD... SONG... FOR YOU... THAT'S HOW WE ROLL We have a waste of your time As we pound some beat into your brain And we take an old song And we make it sound all wrong Oh, we have a waste of your time As we pound some beat into your brain And we take an old song And we make it sound all wrong We have a waste of your time As we pound some beat into your brain And we take an old song And we make it sound all wrong Oh, we have a waste of your time As we pound some beat into your brain And we take an old song And we make it sound all wrong (The word "wrong" repeats under the dialogue) ----------------------------------------------------------- Matt: (angrily) THAT'S IT!!!!! **smash of window is heard, followed by falling sound, followed by a splat** ----------------------------------------------------------- Broken bits!
2.
Bathtub 03:24
Oh, these days, I simply spend my time alone It's hard to get together with my friends And I'll never get close to a woman Since my bathtub sank in the swamp way back when Oh, bathtub, you were my best and truest friend With you gone, I may never have my life back again I think back to how you started me off right every single day Oh, bathtub, why did you go away? Oh, bathtub, you were the best thing in my life And I never realized that until you sank out of my sight Did my taking you for granted make you want to commit suicide? And that wind's coming was you hailing it like you would for a taxi ride Oh, bathtub, I miss you so
3.
They took construction tools And got 75 narrowed But they'll wait 'til someone dies Before they fix the road The road, the road Just like the grasshopper Sees no immediate need for work They got the concrete barriers, But still refuse to do any... Dang construction! They think the drivers will have fun Working through an obstacle course A crash would make them change, 'Cause of lawsuits, not remorse Remorse, remorse Just like most government programs, They wait until it's life or death Only when their rep's at stake, Will they get up for anything... Just like most government programs, They wait until they're the biggest need They know we still can drive it okay, But still this freeway... Still, this freeway needs construction! I can only imagine when The rest of the road gives way The barriers will be so wide Might as well have them paved Them paved, them paved Just like most government programs, They wait until it's life or death Only when their rep's at stake, Will they get up for anything... Just like most government programs, They wait until they're the biggest need They know we still can drive it okay, But still this freeway... Still, this freeway needs construction!
4.
You used to be the perfect girl, But I forgot about those days I don't remember loving you, I just remember throwing that love in the waste I'm letting you be forgotten, It's over and we're through, And never will you hear me sing a song That has anything to do with you That's right, what you hear is only your imagination You're nowhere on my mind, and you're no longer missed This is only because our record label forces this on every emo band You're not worth singing about, so to you, this song doesn't exist This isn't reverse psychology, No, honestly, I want you to go Be sure to change the station When this song comes on the radio I don't need your attention, I'm done wasting my time I think this song is solid proof I've dropped you from my mind That's right, what you hear is only your imagination You're nowhere on my mind, and you're no longer missed This is only because our record label forces this on every emo band You're not worth singing about, so to you, this song doesn't exist In my heart, I've forgotten that there's such a thing as you I've gone crazy enough to sing to thin air, now what am I gonna do? That's right, what you hear is only your imagination You're nowhere on my mind, and you're no longer missed This is only because our record label forces this on every emo band You're not worth singing about, So to you, this song is only your imagination You're nowhere on my mind, and you're no longer missed This is only because our record label forces this on every emo band You're not worth singing about, so to you, this song doesn't exist
5.
Mama Luigi 03:33
Here we are in Dinosaur Land, Trouble starts, I'm falling for hours, and I land on rocks, overshadowed by some blocks I find an egg, I watch it hatch A baby dinosaur, I look up and think that's His parents there, think I'll leave the kid and go elsewhere. So, I start to turn around... But then, what do I hear him say as he starts to follow me? "Mama, Mama Luigi" The dinosaurs are starved, and I'm his only source of safety, as Mama, Mama Luigi Turns out he'd be alone, So now I have to raise him as my own, And ever since that day, we've established who I am to Yoshi, I'm Mama, Mama Luigi We escaped through a pipe, wound up in the woods, Surrounded by worms, found out they taste very good To my new buddy, though I asked for help already Along comes Mario, to try to bail us out Yoshi swallows him whole, I make him spit him back out, He now looks slobbery. Hey Mario, meet my new buddy! But then, as I... Try to call him 'buddy,' what does he, in return, call me? Mama, Mama Luigi! Being a guy called Mama has Mario laughing at me! Mama, Mama Luigi! Now, off to the Princess, we'll get her from King Koopa's place of rest Now I must be a hero and keep the title bestowed me: Mama, Mama Luigi! Aw, snap, Yoshi's running away! Nom, nom, on everything in our way! By threat of his hunger spree, King Koopa let the Princess free!!! Now everyone is safe thanks to the secret weapon courtesy Of Mama, Mama Luigi After what the kid accomplished, I now wear that title proudly, Mama, Mama Luigi I'll remember this day well, I'll always have a great story to tell, And I dream I'll be immortalized as an internet meme, Mama, Mama Luigi!
6.
Parry Gripp singing about a YouTube vid Parry Gripp singing about a YouTube vid Parry Gripp singing about a YouTube vid Parry Gripp singing about a YouTube vid When a video goes up on YouTube And gets a very high number of views When the video on its own simply won't do And it needs a theme song, Parry Gripp is your dude Parry Gripp singing about a YouTube vid Parry Gripp singing about a YouTube vid Parry Gripp singing about a YouTube vid Parry Gripp singing about a YouTube vid
7.
I'm always socially clumsy And as an Aspie, I've been dubbed But I know enough to give out social advice I am learning from each of my flubs I've made the flubs that make my image skewed I've used wrong words and missed nonverbal cues I've said the things that made the cute girls flee I've made the flubs, I've made the flubs I am your prime example Of the role model's contrast But I'm not the blind leading the blind in this case One can learn from the flubs of my past I make the flubs so that you don't repeat I make the flubs, so you can learn from me I make the flubs, so you don't go through my plights I make the flubs, I make the flubs Oh, those who go through the same, are at whom this song is aimed I am here to help out, so don't give up hope This song is to make it known to you that you're not alone It's from me, it's for you, it's so that you can see It's a chance for you to learn from me I've made the flubs that make my image skewed I've used wrong words and missed nonverbal cues I've said the things that made the cute girls flee I've made the flubs, I've made the flubs I make the flubs so that you don't repeat I make the flubs, so you can learn from me I make the flubs, so you don't go through my plights I make the flubs, I make the flubs I'm an example who has made the flubs
8.
I took influence from this girl at work to stop crushing innocent flies I took influence from this girl at work to try to clean up my mind But there's nothing in it for me, Nothing going on there, you see, No other factor is speaking She's just a clear voice of reason Nothing going on emotionally No worries, no cares for me Despite what you may be thinkin', She's just a clear voice of reason I took influence from this girl at work to hang my head when I go wrong I took influence from this girl at work to write this little song But it's not from lovestruck feeling There's nothing that I am concealing I hope that this is convincing That she's just a clear voice of reason
9.
Snow Drive 03:49
Snow Drive intimidates me, know-how all escapes me Snow Drive, ice is slippery, that's why people hate me I'm on the road, and I start to slide Lost my IQ points when overcome by fright! Ooh, Snow Drive, Ooh Snow Drive, ice will get me, friction works against me Slow Down, slide 'round, relying on a curb to halt me Spiteful people see my helpless plight and insult me I'm on the road, and I take a hit Because I had bad luck, I'm percieved as a twit Ooh... Snow Drive won't go easy, Spin-outs make me queasy Slow down, slide 'round, on the road, I'm on the other side I drove far over, too many lanes, I just crossed the line Snow Drive, these are bleak days, donuts on the freeway Snow Drive, I look stupid, Snow Drive...
10.
Water 02:12
Alright, it's time to make this track pwn. Time to prepare for *cough* *cough* Ooh, time to hydrate... give me... (hi-hats start) NO! I'M NOT READY! I NEED TO... AW CRAP... Slave of the microphone, music starts too soon Throat is too dry, larynx spelling out its own doom Music still going, water bottle is taunting me But I've got a song to do, so I press on mightily I think that I can make it through at least a verse Thankfully there's no coughing, but the roof of my mouth hurts I can do this *cough* *cough* with ease I *cough* *cough* OW! *cough* HELP ME PLEASE!! WATER! WATER! I NEED WATER!!! WATER! WATER! I NEED WATER!!! WATER! WATER! I NEED WATER!!! I NEED AN INSTRUMENTAL BREAK!!!!! (long growl) I hope I can copy and paste that after the next chorus Instruments don't need breaks, in them I am of envy Death metal singing will be the death of me I was given too much to do and for way too long Maybe next time, I should be the one who writes the song Instead of the band members, who played a really cruel joke I feel the shape of a razorblade inside my throat But it actually is my throat, and it's cutting itself My options at this point are to take death, or else... WATER! WATER! I NEED WATER!!! WATER! WATER! I NEED WATER!!! WATER! WATER! I NEED WATER!!! I NEED AN INSTRUMENTAL BREAK!!!!! (series of short growls) WHO WRITES THIS STUFF WHERE I HAVE TO RUN SOLID MINUTES OF THIS?!?!?! Ah, good, the end is near, I can see it coming up I can relax and drink, because my throat has had enough Time to give my throat a refreshing liquid massage Grab the bottle, find out it's a... DESERT MIRAGE?! (whispered loudly) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
11.
This one goes out to Jiggmin out on Kongregate For a game that he decided to create Liked the title, thought I'd try it out just once How'd I wind up addicted to it for months Take the concept of a 2D platformer Mix it with a competition to get to the end And fight with weapons with real people everywhere For a game of epic win! Against each other (RACING) On Platform (RACING) Never bored 'cause players here will always abound Against each other (RACING) On Platform (RACING) Smokin' all the newbies out in every round You're far ahead, take a lightning strike You took my hat, I'll get it back with a good sword swipe I'm reminding other players when they get owned During gameplay in the on-screen chat window We duke it out, gain experience, level up And see the cool courses when our level's high enough Or share our own created levels on the game So there's something new every day Against each other (RACING) On Platform (RACING) Never bored 'cause players here will always abound Against each other (RACING) On Platform (RACING) Smokin' all the newbies out in every round Against each other (RACING) On Platform (RACING) Never bored 'cause players here will always abound Against each other (RACING) On Platform (RACING) Smokin' all the newbies out in every round
12.
[LEMMING LEADER] We lemmings have been through several computer games' worth of toil. We've encountered odd worlds, some made of earth, and some made of brick. We had to work together, and occasionally we lost a few of our brethren to water, explosions, traps, or to realms that even our mystical guide in life, known to you as the cursor, could not reach. After 600 levels of this crap (559 if you don't count the repeated levels with different skill assignments in the original game), we eventually found our promised land, where we would be at peace, be it in deserts, forests, or even the snowy wilderness. Little did we know, we had... and I say this with air quotes... fans... ----------------------------------------------------------- [WEASELS IN UNISON] Lemmings on our movies, lemmings on our films Lemmings on adventures in many unknown realms Lemmings enter level, lemmings go to exit Lemming is skillful when their cursor directs it Lemmings bash through towers, lemmings safely float Weasels press fast forward on our remote Lemmings fall in water, lemmings caught in trap Weasels in the theater all laugh, cheer, and clap Lemmings fall off screen, lemmings all go splat, Lemmings get blown up and particles all scat Weasels finish film, still not comically relieved Weasels have their own ideas for traps up their sleeve Weasels have the tools, but victims we have none Time to grab some lemmings and have our own fun! ----------------------------------------------------------- [LEMMING LEADER] We lemmings lived peaceably and had no worries, until... We were captured... ----------------------------------------------------------- (instrumental section of weasels loading the lemmings onto their trucks) ----------------------------------------------------------- [LEMMING LEADER] The job of a lemming is thankless For no reason, they want to prank us We're left to ponder our fate From inside a dark, dreary crate [LEMMINGS IN UNISON] Where are we going? Where are we going? Where are we going? Where are we going? [LEMMING LEADER] Like slaves, we are packed in airtight Misfortune is in our foresight Another adventure ahead Could force more random brethren dead [LEMMINGS IN UNISON] Where are we going? Where are we going? Where are we going? Where are we going? [LEMMING LEADER] Wondering what our captors want But not even those near the front Can hear through two sound barriers Could our lives be any scarier? [LEMMINGS IN UNISON] Where are we going? Where are we going? Where are we going? Where are we going? Where are we going? Where are we going? Where are we going? (etc...) ----------------------------------------------------------- [WEASELS IN UNISON] Let us weasels get to work! Let us weasels get to work! Let us weasels get to work! Let us weasels get to work! (fade in) [WEASEL LEADER] Nature's traps are way too bland Lots of towers, we will stand With confusing obstacles Leave their confidence fickle Teleports throw them around Pads that flip them upside down By the lemmings we can't be shirked Let us weasels get to work! [WEASELS IN UNISON] Let us weasels get to work! Let us weasels get to work! Let us weasels get to work! Let us weasels get to work! Let us weasels get to work! (etc...) ----------------------------------------------------------- (instrumental section of weasels constructing the towers) ----------------------------------------------------------- [WEASEL LEADER] We have the box in its space We have the traps carefully placed But we can't motivate them to move about Until we offer up a way out Place their exit balloons, give them a false sense of hope Then lure them the wrong direction, put them at the end of their rope Open the box! Cue the lemmings' "Let's Go!" And have them fall victim to our innovation! Ladies and gentlemen, weasels of all ages, our own feature presentation! ----------------------------------------------------------- [LEMMING LEADER] Pressing forward, on we drone In what's almost a war zone Forced to have some casualties While percieved a novelty But we have nothing with which to fight Still we venture through in spite Forecasting calamity That gives our captors ecstasy [LEMMINGS IN UNISON] Oh, Great Green Cursor on the screen Save us from their wicked schemes On our own, we can't but wander Leaving just our fates to ponder Left to die if we just walk Won't you watch us like a hawk? Be our source of extra skills So we can climb, dig, or build [CURSOR] My dear lemmings, try as I might Skills I can give you are finite As well as my given minutes I'm not God, I have my limits Even though this sounds so daft Weasels are pros at their craft But don't wander in disdain I'll beat them at their own game No, I cannot get you all But, I'll slow down to a crawl Their excitement, just you watch Though they step things up a notch ----------------------------------------------------------- (This section starts with lemmings going "Yippee," and the weasels getting increasingly angrier) [WEASELS IN UNISON] Simple falls and water aren't enough Time to throw in unpredicted stuff Traps that change their pace upon a switch For further wacky oddities we itch Floors that are unstable Water tanks that drain Spinning spiky logs And weasels in the game! Birds and crabs that sit there, for that matter That when lemmings run into them, they shatter We don't why it works, but we love it So, tell your great green cursor thing to shove it! We're gonna have some fun And make your life disheveled Laughing at your pain While in our work, we revel Up to the final level Up to the final level Up to the final level Up to the final level ----------------------------------------------------------- [LEMMINGS IN UNISON] Walls are in the way Endless pits are, too Oh, Dear Great Green Cursor What wouldst thou have us do? [CURSOR] First one of you out I'll appoint the scout To bash, mine, and build That your quest may be fulfilled [WEASELS] There's too many switches And water tanks ahead It's too much for their cursor They're sure to wind up dead [CURSOR] Pause the game to plan (silence) I've got the right commands ----------------------------------------------------------- [LEMMINGS IN UNISON] Marching to our freedom, weasels' minds will be thrown March to the balloon that will return us home March out of this madness through the final frontier And hope another game is not released for a few years [WEASELS IN UNISON] We curse the cursor, spurting that it hurt us in the worst They pervert our perfect works and have our smirks reversed All we made maliciously placed far and nigh Because it's fun to watch the lemmings PAINFULLY DIE!!!!! PAINFULLY DIE!!!!! PAINFULLY DIE!!!!! PAINFULLY DIE!!!!! PAINFULLY DIE!!!!! PAINFULLY DIE!!!!! (etc...) The "PAINFULLY DIE!!!!!" repeats, but fades out, as lemmings entering their balloon continually shout "YIPPEE!!!" until... [WEASEL LEADER] STOP CELEBRATING EACH OF YOU HOPPING IN YOUR BALLOON WITH A YIPPEEEEEEE... ----------------------------------------------------------- [LEMMINGS IN UNISON] For those who were spiked, or forced to go splat, Or those who took a water, acid, or lava bath For those who contributed to the joy the weasels amassed, We mourn for our brethren who have unfortunately passed

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released September 20, 2011

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Derwood Bowen Columbus, Ohio

Music in a fairly wide array of genres, with my own unusual sense of humor thrown in. I mainly make music for the purpose of entertaining people.

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