Yesterday, I wore shorts, and still heavily perspired
Today, I'm wearing a full suit of armor on fire
Sure, my skin is seared, and my bones no longer hide
But I think it balances out with how cold it is outside
Just my luck, it rains, fire extinguished
What season is this? It's hard to distinguish
The rain is so hard it turns my umbrella soggy
Next thing I know, it's blindingly foggy
And the fire's out, so I have no light
So I wrote S.O.S. on a giant kite
*thunder* Great, my kite got fried
Why must Ohio be where I reside?
It's the state where you gotta plan 3 outfits a day
Not knowing what will be appropriate that day
What's gonna happen tomorrow? Only God knows
It's the indecisive weather of Ohio, yo!
Just like a plot twist in a mystery flick
What happens next is the writer's pick
One day could rain chickens, the next not at all
After that, a blizzard of ping pong balls
Even what NOT to wear, you may not know
Because sometimes it's the same two days in a row
Trying to predict how the weather will unfurl
Is like Harold Camping on the end of the world
Yet the forecasters are sometimes free of mistakes
They must've found a Miss Cleo, except she's not fake
I'm as lost as an untrained maze dwelling rat
Ohio's Weather can be used to confuse a cat
It's the state where you gotta plan 3 outfits a day
Not knowing what will be appropriate that day
What's gonna happen tomorrow? Only God knows
It's the indecisive weather of Ohio, yo!
[NOTE: In the following script, Mother Nature will be referred to as "MN"]
MN: Oh, I suppose, if I must make a random weather table using an icosahedron, I will get Trav to help.
Secretary: Ah, Trav, you're just in time for your appointment with Mother Nature.
Trav: Yeah, she called me asking for help on how to make a random weather chart for Ohio.
Secretary: Yes, go right on in, she's expecting you.
Trav: Wow, this is one hell of a nice office she has here! Mother Nature... this is one heck of a commission. Thank you so much for asking for MY humble skills in this matter. Okay... I've been running d20 games, I made a couple d20 games, I've been gaming for 25 years... I think I got this down, I think I'm more than qualified!
MN: (yawning) Oh, yeah, whatever! So how do I do this?
Trav: Okay, so you need a bell curve, where you go from 1, and the top of the bell is 9 to 12, and then back down to 20.
MN: Okay...
Trav: Now, as you go away from 9 to 12 on either side, it gradiates until 1 and 20 become a nice, quiet, gentle winter, because...
MN: Uh huh.
Trav: ...let's face it, Ohio needs all the help they can get... it's Ohio!
MN: Uh huh.
Trav: So, yeah, that's about it, I mean, just, you place the weather as you need it, and... (chuckling to himself) Oh, this is great! I got Mother Nature in my back pocket!
MN: (rolls die) Oops, sorry Ohio. Alright, look who's next! It's MICHIGAN! (rolls die again)
Trav: .......AW CRAP!!!!! Well, sorry Michiganders. Good night everybody!
credits
from Throwbacks,
released November 20, 2014
Featuring Trav as Trav, Perky Goth as the secretary, and Walks With Silent Feet as Mother Nature
