Duct Tape

from Throwbacks by Derwood Bowen

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lyrics

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm about to tell
Of a popular belief that's widely held
About a product that can universally repair
Any given situation of despair
Here are some examples, with which I come,
From mildly creative to "where did that come from?"
With these examples, I'm-a do my thing
About how duct tape fixes everything!

I knew a girl who apparently
Had it rough with a professor in chemistry
He tried to teach to a chalkboard, but that's insane
Last I checked, chalkboards have no brain
So I decided to write on the board
That maybe looking at students could improve their scores
If you want to teach, try teaching the class
It might improve the chance that they'll pass
I couldn't write in chalk, that would easily erase
And marker on a chalkboard doesn't show up that great
I couldn't use anything second rate
Yep, you guessed it! Spelled it out in duct tape!

I got some advice for you all,
Be careful near a kid with a soccer ball
I got bonked in the nose with one one week
And my moustache area turned into a creek
My left hand had to pinch my nose bridge tight,
And I had to grab and hold tissues with my right
But I could've only needed one hand for my face,
If I had duct tape to take the tissue's place
The sticky side would attach to my upper lip
And catch every drop that my nose would drip
One hand on my nose could slow its dripping rate
And I'd have a hand free to... write another verse that's really great!

It's a widely known fact, I must admit
Cows releasing methane damages the environment
We gotta use something to help hold that in
Before Mother Nature completely caves in
But there's a solution I have the foresight for,
Use duct tape to make a cow-sized diaper
Sure, making one might take a lot of time,
But it'll be easy to put it on their behind.
Because cows rarely move during their grass intake,
So putting it on them is a piece of cake.
You just gotta change it every day...
(pause for 1 line)
Okay, maybe global warming's not that big a deal anyway