Get all 8 Derwood Bowen releases available on Bandcamp and save 25%.
Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of Ace Of All Trades, Passing With Levitating Colors, Sacre Boooo, Lightbulb-Eating Selfie, Throwbacks, Screw You, Mayan Predictions, I've Made Another Album, Slap Unhappy, and A-Dork-Able.
1. |
The Mighty Warrior
02:15
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And as the mighty warrior stands atop the tallest skyscraper through the fiercest storm, wielding his mighty sword of metal, he stands as a reminder to friend and foe alike of why you do not, under any circumstances, wield something metal in a storm.
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2. |
Dentist
02:42
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Hey you, beautiful child, show me that smile
You seem upset you're here today
Those machines there, they rattle and whirr,
But please believe me when I say
I know you're scared, I promise, I swear
We're fully trained professionals
No one ever dies here, don't fear for your safety
The screaming is from the cartoon on the TV
This way, this way, right through that doorway
I know there's a lot I'm putting on your plate
Don't mind her, she's been like that lately
Just an overactive crybaby
Big chair, big chair, lie in the big chair
Let's take a look if all your teeth are there
The big machines should not come in handy
Long as your teeth are unspoiled by candy
D-E-N-T-I-S-T, I'm your friend, there's no need to fear me
D-E-N-T-I-S-T, I'm your friend, there's no need to fear me
Hey you, I've not seen before, you look 54
And you're new to this whole dentist thing
While we set you up, you cling to the hope
You only need some fillings
Uh oh, gingivitis is prevailing, he's ailing
Time for planing and some scaling
Why does no one listen when told they should visit?
It's not fear I'll tell you you've screwed yourself, is it?
Finally, finally, you came to me smartly
Instead of throwin' your teeth a pity party
Should have come since you were a young kid
Bill's still high for your teeth, yes, all six
Good grief, good grief, I wanna bring you relief
Getting you here was just like pulling teeth
Don't you stress or pull yourself hairless
We just fired the chick that was careless
D-E-N-T-I-S-T, I'm your friend, there's no need to fear me
D-E-N-T-I-S-T, I'm your friend, there's no need to fear me
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3. |
Wheel In The Sky
01:21
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I'm a crazy madman that likes to blow up cars,
I get joy out of watching car parts fly.
I only want to laugh and tell you you won't get far,
But I'm careful 'cause I want no one to die.
I put a lighter to an engine just to watch it blow,
And on the road a wiper blade will lie.
There's a tire flying through a nearby bank window
And a steering wheel in the sky.
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4. |
It Could Be Worse
05:09
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My special cat Fluffy just recently passed on
I know she lived for 20 years, but I can't stand that she's gone
I've loved that cat so much since I was a kid
She needs to be brought back to life before I flip my lid
It could be worse
At least it was old age that brought her end
And not the tire of a car driven by your best friend
And you'll have other companions
Take this time to appreciate
The things that make this life so great
You don't always have to be mad
If you focus on the good, and not just the bad
BUT THAT WAS MY FLUFFY!!!!
I don't know why, but I feel so much isolation
I may have made plans with friends, then gave last minute cancellations
Followed up with lies that were all see-through and flawed
But I wish those friends would still occasionally call
It could be worse
At least you have a roof over your head
Complete with sturdy structure and a comfy bed
Your landlord still likes you
Take this time to appreciate
The things that make this life so great
You don't always have to be mad
If you focus on the good, and not just the bad
BUT LONELINESS!!!!
I tried to be thankful for the friends by my side
I caused them frustration and they all said goodbye
I tried to be thankful for a comfortable home
But it burned down, now I live in my car on the side of the road
It could be worse
At least you have the chance to make it better
You still have your life, so pull yourself together
You're not dead yet
Take this time to appreciate
The things that make this life so great...
AAHH!! *plop*
I suddenly up and died from a heart attack
Before I had the chance to get my life back on track
Now I'm in Hell because I chose the wrong religion
So many invisible beings, how do you make a decision?
-It could be worse
-No it can't, I'm burning in Hell!
-It could be worse
-I'm spending eternity on fire!
-My floating head could circle you forever,
but I'll go away and give you a break from my taunting
-That's barely better! But I'm still on fire!
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5. |
The Stupid, It Burns
03:29
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I'm just a lowly guy in a pizza shop
Sometimes workin' 13 hours a day nonstop
Some days drag, and some days are fun
And it's not too hard to get the job done.
Taking people's orders is usually fine
Except when stupid people make me lose my mind
Open your ears, and use your brain, please
I asked for your name, which isn't "pizza with cheese!"
You know what you want, you called our store on the phone
But you realize you accidentally called the wrong one
I get it, mistakes happen, but are you kiddin'?
No, we don't have the number to our competition!
I understand, we're human and we do dumb stuff
But there really is a point where enough is enough
The frustration at your incompetence is drivin' me wild
And yet my job requires me to just stand there and smile!
You need a smack in the head with a 2 by 4
You annoy me every time you come back for more
I think I deserve double the wages I earn
The stupid, it burns!
Different places do pizzas different ways, I know
Like having pepperonis that are ready to go
But you customized your order 50 different ways
Why the heck are you complaining we don't have it pre-made?
You called our shop's number by a lucky guess
And asked if we were located in the U.S.
You're ordering for a friend, that's fine, but they should probably
Have a local friend order, not someone in Zimbabwe
Taking your order makes my brain a mess
The answer to "What would you like?" isn't "Yes!"
The fact that you're an adult is painfully dreadful
You asked me the difference between a foil dish and bread bowl
We all say dumb things, but often it seems
That customers take them to the extreme
After what you put me through, I'm absolutely furious
My job makes me treat you as if you're serious!
You need a smack in the head with a 2 by 4
You annoy me every time you come back for more
I think I deserve double the wages I earn
The stupid, it burns!
You need a lesson in Common Sense 101
Though you'd probably waste it staring off towards the sun
The gears in your head are failing to turn
The stupid, it burns!
Though you kindly refer to me as your favorite earthling
I dream of the javelins I'd love to be hurtling
You changed your order thrice over seven calls
While whining other places act like they don't like you at all
But yet, I'm always polite and treating you well
Despite you putting me through several realms of Hell
Professionalism is a painful conundrum
Just let me throw a few fits and some tantrums!
Am I the only sane soul around?
I'm in great need of Tylenol right now!
When my shift's over, I can let it all out!
'Cause you just made my brain hurt!
You need a smack in the head with a 2 by 4
You annoy me every time you come back for more
I think I deserve double the wages I earn
The stupid, it burns!
You need a lesson in Common Sense 101
Though you'd probably waste it staring off towards the sun
The gears in your head are failing to turn
The stupid, it burns!
You know what? Screw being professional to customers that annoy me! I'm applying for a customer service job at Time Warner Cable!
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6. |
Laying The Hammer Down
03:14
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Your kid takes a crayon and draws on the door
He takes a couple eggs and he drops them on the floor
He hits his sister in the head by throwing a tennis ball
Time to face the corner of two adjacent walls.
It's justice against the unruly.
We punish behavior upon which we frown.
Those of defiance are put in their place
By people in charge laying the hammer down.
Teaching things that go over students' heads
They're too engulfed in their Smartphones instead.
Maybe they'll learn to pay more attention
When the teacher takes their phones during post-school detention.
It's justice against the unruly.
We punish behavior upon which we frown.
Those of defiance are put in their place
By people in charge laying the hammer down.
Laying the hammer down.
Laying the hammer down.
College students only made it to be sophomores
Before their papers were caught without crediting a source.
Kicked out of college because they plagiarized.
Back to a life of serving burgers and fries.
It's justice against the unruly.
We punish behavior upon which we frown.
Those of defiance are put in their place
By people in charge laying the hammer down.
Laying the hammer down.
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7. |
Pussycat Control
04:54
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Uh, yeah, uh!
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen
All you cat lovin' boys and girls
Eager to obtain a feline companion
Into your personal world
If you think it's just freelance snuggles
And keeping food and water in their bowl
I'm here to explain how much your life'll change
Under pussycat control!
(Are you ready?)
Ahh, Pussycat control! Meow!
Ahh, Pussycat control! Meow!
Our story begins in a household
A little girl beggin' for a pet
So cute and cuddly, in blankets all snuggly
This was her vision for what she would get
From her dream kitty companion
And buy a cat, her parents did
No worries about the havoc to be wrought
After all, she was just a kid
The responsibility was her parents'
And though they fed the cat her meal
They'd all be sittin' at the dinner table
Daddy's roast beef, she would steal
But, since it didn't happen to the little girl
Out her mouth laughter did flow
She won't be laughing when she grows up
Victim to pussycat control!
(Are you ready?)
Ahh, Pussycat control! Meow!
Ahh, Pussycat control! Meow!
Verse 2
Our little girl now an adult
At an age of 25 years
Wakes up at 5:39 in the morning
To a loud meow in her ear
She tried to ignore it once, you can tell
By the tooth marks in her head
Time to feed the cat her specialized recipe,
Ain't no goin' back to bed
So, time to play on the computer
While the cat presumably has breakfast
No sooner the desktop is loaded,
Then in front of the monitor kitty will rest
Not budging when she tries to move her,
Can only pet her for a second or fo'
Before she swats her away, it's a typical day
Under pussycat control!
(Are you ready?)
Ahh, Pussycat control! Meow!
Ahh, Pussycat control! Meow!
Breakdown!
One day this girl met a curious boy
Standing on the street by a stop sign
He made the moves to approach her,
Only one thing on his mind.
She had one thing on her mind too,
But it wasn't to get him alone
She had so many stories of her feline friend
And a thousand seven pictures on her phone
He said he could use that companionship
And he asked her where's her heart
She said it's probably hidden, along with her
Bracelet and her old toys in some part
Of the house,
Whatever kitty calls her secret lair
And the stuff she can't steal for herself
Is just covered in her hair.
The boy said he could de-stress her
And he tried to sound so sweet
He said, "Let me take over for a while,
And I can make your life complete."
But this woman, she's self-confident
And she made sure to let the boy know
She only bows down before one master,
That's pussycat control!
(Are you ready?)
Ahh, Pussycat control! Meow!
Ahh, Pussycat control! Meow!
And anyone with a cat in their house knows
Their needs go out the window
But you'd gladly scrap human hierarchies
For pussycat control!
(Are you ready?)
Ahh, Pussycat control! Meow!
Poor deluded cat slave!
Ahh, Pussycat control! Meow!
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8. |
The Golden Rule
03:57
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I saw a man get out of his Ferrari
I could tell that he was rich.
I had on me a measley pair of fives
To have a bit more was my wish
Now I believe in the Golden Rule,
To treat others the way you want them to treat you.
I went up to him and gave him half of what I had,
Knowing I'd want him to do the same.
He asked me why I was doing this, noting my tattered clothes,
As he looked at me as if I was insane.
I said "I believe in the Golden Rule,"
Then he smiled at me and said, "Me, too,
So what you did for me, I'll do for you."
And he gave me the same five dollars.
Somehow that didn't work out the way I wanted it to.
I was at the cash register working my retail job,
When a person and a product caught my eye.
Someone grabbed a fifty dollar product off the shelf,
And instead of paying, they just ran outside.
Now I believe in the Golden Rule,
To treat others the way you want them to treat you.
If I ever have to rob a retail store,
I'm probably broke and have no other way.
So I would seek pity and understanding of my plight.
That's why I didn't yell at them to pay.
I explained that to my boss,
Who said that he should call the cops
Because I supported robbing shops,
But he decided to be nice and only fire me instead.
That worked out better than it could have,
Still, I don't know why I did that.
I was at a park one bright, warm Spring day.
I saw a girl, and to myself, I smiled.
She was gorgeous, in her 20's, it only took one glance
Before my imagination went wild.
Now I believe in the Golden Rule,
To treat others the way you want them to treat you.
I did to her exactly what I wanted to receive
My Golden Rule excuse didn't work too well.
Instead of understanding, she yelled for the police,
Now I'm stuck inside this prison cell.
Now what I wanted done to me
Is being done by a dude who's 8 foot 3
Because the Golden Rule, he too believes,
And now I know how she felt.
I'm now convinced the Golden Rule is utter crap!
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9. |
The Mandela Effect
03:22
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This Kit Kat doesn't have a dash in its name
Where a dash should lie
Since when did Froot Loops have two o's in froot?
I miss u-i
Actually, Kit Kat has never had a dash in its name, and Froot Loops has always been spelled with two o's. You have fallen victim to the Mandela effect, in which a large majority of people can remember the same thing, yet remember it wrong. It was named after Nelson Mandela, whom many people claim they distinctly remember dying in prison in the 80's, even though he actually died in 2013. Other examples include how people mistakenly think the Monopoly Man has a monocle when he doesn't, or that the famous "Mirror, mirror on the wall" line from Snow White is actually "Magic Mirror on the Wall."
Memory, I have quite a good memory
This is not how it should be
Things were different, I swear
In my childhood, I know their name did not have an "a"
They were called the "Berenstein" Bears.
Everything I've known is wrong,
That seems to be what they say
I share my beliefs with millions of peeps
How dare you give the naysay?
Memory, I now question my memory
What have you just done to me?
Flipped around all my views
Memorobilia, I have some that spells things as I've known,
Or a typo. Oh, what's the use?
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10. |
That's Homosexual
01:50
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My coworker didn't come to work and didn't call
Now I'm stuck working late! That's homosexual!
Our plane got completely lost and somehow it flew us
To the wrong state! That's homosexual!
If you think it all sounds stupid,
The things you're hearing me say,
This is how you sound when you refer to these things as gay!
The contents of my Ziploc bag broke through the bottom
Now I gotta clean the floor! That's homosexual!
Somehow they sold out of my favorite flavor ice cream
At the local grocery store! That's homosexual!
If you think it all sounds stupid,
The things you're hearing me say,
This is how you sound when you refer to these things as gay!
Dude, your word choice is so homosexual!
The doctor at the hospital screwed up your surgery
Then before you had a chance to sue for liability
He retired from his job and now he got away scot-free
While your lungs are both deformed and only one eye can see!
Now that is beyond homosexual, my friend! That is straight up faggot!
See? This is how stupid you sound!
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11. |
Bitcoin Pimp
03:44
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People see me on the street with a chain around my neck made of glued together strips of yellow construction paper, and a Smart Phone showing an image of a dolla' sign! Yeah, they call me a tool, but they don't even know...
I'm a Bitcoin Pimp, a Bitcoin Pimp,
In a virtual system I've risen to the top
I'm a Bitcoin Pimp, a Bitcoin Pimp,
Tell the common dollar users I'll never be stopped!
Let me tell you how I made it big in this scene
From the time I was born, until I was eighteen
My parents saved some money and invested in me
So that I could go to college and get a degree
But once they gave me access to the account
That's when I rebelled and went my own route
I put it all in Bitcoin when it was brand new
And now look at how much my investment grew
I started when the site was at its beginning
Now its value's increasing, and I'm constantly gaining
But while it's still in cult status, real life's a slump
I live in a trailer that looks like a dump
I'm servin' burgers for minimal pay
And gettin' by on the food I can afford each day
My life didn't quite go as I planned,
But on the internet my status still stands...
I'm a Bitcoin Pimp, a Bitcoin Pimp,
In a virtual system I've risen to the top
I'm a Bitcoin Pimp, a Bitcoin Pimp,
And my account number can never be stopped
I can get illegal drugs from the highest of high
And multiple girlies to be by my side
As long as they exchange within the system
It's easier than breathing for me to get wit' em
I got game, and I ain't afraid to spit it
I can get 'em what they want, I mean within limits
Independently sold hand-crafted dresses are winners
It's just such a shame I can't treat 'em to dinner
My crib looks like a tornado came its way
But it's their preferred currency with which I can pay
So even in a dumpy life, I still keep 'em all pleased
Now roll out the keg of macaroni and cheese
I made some dumb life choices, but they worked out somehow
I got most of what I want and that's good enough for now
But I can't wait for the day the US dollar is gone
And to Bitcoin the rest of the world catches on
I'll be an actual pimp, an actual pimp
On a gold throne with my girlies eatin' lamb, steak, and shrimp
I'll be an actual pimp, an actual pimp,
But until that day I'll settle as a Bitcoin Pimp!
[Robber]: Yo, gimme all your money!
[Me]: Um, okay, um... let's see... not that pocket... Um, ah, that pocket, yes, I've got, um... 57 cents.
[Robber]: Is that all?
[Me]: Uh, I got a password protected Smart Phone.
[Robber]: Man, you ain't even worth my time, I'm outta here!
Highway robbers don't even know...
I'm a Bitcoin Pimp, a Bitcoin Pimp,
I got nothing to lose that a robber can take
I'm a Bitcoin Pimp, a Bitcoin Pimp,
Got my riches in a system that's foolproof and safe
I'm a Bitcoin Pimp, a Bitcoin Pimp
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12. |
Garden of Beauty
02:20
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The snow is melting into the ground
The grass shows itself to be green
The bleakness and coldness of winter are gone
Warmth fills the air again
Birds have departed from where they were
Returning to our hemisphere
Singing their songs of nature and glory
Flowers open up to hear
Beautiful presence awakened
Everything coming alive
Working together in harmony
Actively pleasing our eyes!
Garden of Beauty!
Plant life abounds in multiple ways
Coloring the fields with flair
Bees pollinate them and keep them alive
Butterflies decorate the air
Cicadas sound off their enchanting chorus
Creating natural ambience
Cooped up all winter, the children now come out
To play and laugh and dance
Beautiful presence awakened
Prominently shining in full
Sunlight gleams in your heart
Radiant smiles in your soul
No more monotonous white
No more shivering inside
No more redness of cheeks
It's time to come alive!
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13. |
Artwork
03:54
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Baby, you make me feel like a piece of crap
I called you beautiful, why you gotta be like that?
I bought you flowers and lots of candy too
How am I creepy after all that I have spent on you?
Baby, when I look into your gorgeous eyes,
I get such happy thoughts like kitty cats and apple pies
The lovely lady with the hair across her face
Wants me put in my place...
But I just can't leave you alone, no more friendzone
Convinced inside I must make you mine,
'Cause baby you're an artwork,
Why must you treat me like a jerk?
You make my heart go oh, oh, oh,
Why must you leave it by the road?
Baby you're an artwork,
Rubbing my face in the dirt,
You give a striking blow,
Like it's a stage comedy show.
Baby, I realize we're not at all the same
I'm insecure, and you're a self-empowered solo dame
Maybe if I look desperate convincingly,
You'll see my puppy eyes and take a little pity
You like to go out and explore about the town
The hobbies I prefer are at home while I sit around,
But baby, I can learn to love the things I hate,
Just to get a date...
'Cause I just can't leave you alone, no more friendzone
Convinced inside I must make you mine,
'Cause baby you're an artwork,
Why must you treat me like a jerk?
You make my heart go oh, oh, oh,
Why must you leave it by the road?
Baby you're an artwork,
Rubbing my face in the dirt,
You give a striking blow,
Like it's a stage comedy show.
Boo hoo hoo, is all I seem to say to you
My intents are pure and true
I just need some love from you.
'Cause baby you're an artwork,
Why must you treat me like a jerk?
You make my heart go oh, oh, oh,
Why must you leave it by the road?
Baby you're an artwork,
Rubbing my face in the dirt,
You give a striking blow,
Like it's a stage comedy show.
Now I see, the point's been finally made to me
So now I'm begging please,
Don't report to the police.
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14. |
||||
Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me
(Aaahhhhh)
Look all around you, there are people in power
And people with lots of wealth
And most of them constantly telling themselves
They're better than everyone else
You think you're God just because you have
Mass influence on a global scale
You don't understand how big our universe is
And in comparison, you pale
I would just like to take you aside and
Say it to your face
Explain to you the size of the universe
It just might put you in your place
I wish I could just instill in you
The truth, even though it hurts
I invite you to consider your worth
In line with the universe
You are just one person
In a world of seven billion
On Earth, one world alone
Out of eight orbiting the sun
If Earth was the size of a flea
The sun would be a softball proportionally
Stars exist big enough inside
To fit the sun five hundred million times
All part of one galaxy in space
Out of billions upon which our eyes will never gaze
And if there's life out there, think about the list
Of beings there are who don't even know that you exist
They don't know that you exist
No one out there knows that you exist
But of those many galaxies so far out of view
Of all existing life forms, only one can be you
You can make your own art, draw a picture or write a tune
And no one in all the universe can live the life you do
You've got friends and family who need you in their life
And you can make them happy, they'll be there 'till the day you die
Don't worry about how small you are compared to the universe
Remember that you're important, just don't use it to be a jerk
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15. |
||||
It's time for me to move on.
The girl I once loved is gone.
But what do I care? Nothing came out of it!
It's all in my head, I'll forget all of it.
She never felt the same way about me
I guess it just never was meant to be
Kind of sucks, but that's how life is sometimes
I'll move on, everything will turn out fine
My time of sadness now ends
If I don't see her again
There's nothing for me to miss
I'll just forget she exists
"Coming up next is the latest hit single from the hot new pop star..."
"Have you heard that new song that's out?"
"Yeah, I haven't been able to get it out of my head, it's so catchy!"
"I haven't heard it yet!"
"Really, it's been playing on the radio EVERYWHERE!"
"Crank the radio up, it's the new jam!"
"Aw yeah, that's what's up!"
"Hey, have you heard that new song?"
"Yeah, everyone's been going crazy over that new pop singer..."
I hear your name everywhere!
Inescapable as the air that I breathe
Difference is, without air, I'd be dead
But your name belongs out of my head; please leave
You're now all over the radio
On TV, and music videos
And the endless pain is driving me mad
Every time I see your name on a billboard ad
And all I can think about is how to defame you
For forgetting your presence is how I could survive
I'm the only one who understands my pain
Everyone else may think I'm whiny,
But don't you think it would drive you insane?
Hearing the source that caused you such hurt
Constantly talked about everywhere you go
Like someone hammering a pen up your nose
Until it gets lodged in your brain
Now you pray for a lobotomy,
That's the only way you can get your enemy out of your brain
How do you bring down
Someone who's held in such high regard?
Someone the world has on a pedestal?
I could wait for her to do something wrong,
Call her out, and make her worth miniscule!
Or, if I don't feel like waiting,
I can use the media, and make up scandals about her!
Is this the place I go to?
For my new job interview?
Welcome to "I Swear it's True" Magazine!
My credentials, you ask?
Well, one time in high school, I convinced my brother
His girlfriend was having an affair with our sister,
Is that enough to tell you I'm up to the task?
And there's one celebrity on whom I've got my eye,
And I'm prayin' you tell me that for this job I qualify!
I mean, I never actually studied journalism!
I have a job as a gossip journalist,
Now maybe I can get some dirt on her!
You're telling me what? I can just make it all up?
It's what all of you do too?
I thought for an official magazine there would be certain rules.
But yes, I can write fiction,
Make up my own stuff just like in high school!
Yes, everyone knows she has a boyfriend,
But only I know about her secret affair.
A special lovely night with Channing Tatum,
Sorry, man, had to throw some guy's name in there.
Front page headline: Shocking new ultrasound revealed!
Looks like a deformed monkey,
From what doctor's notes we can quote unquote steal!
Boyfriend finds out, angry fight ensues
Knife fight, gunshots, almost deadly feud
Alcohol addictions, cocaine addictions,
Sleeping with a furry because inanimate teddy bears don't cut it anymore!
And people will believe it all, because we're an official magazine!
I can't wait for this to all kill her career
I can forget her existence once she's off the pop scene
Because no one wants to support someone whose life is this screwed up!
Hey dude, I don't know your plan
But I know the truth, and so do my true fans.
And your magazine has no credible sources
I'm honest 'bout my life, and only speak my mind
No one believes all your crap rumor tabloids
You companies don't even have your articles' facts all aligned.
And my boyfriend isn't gonna start a fight with me
Just because some guy I don't know wrote some make-believe
The only people that believe what you say
Aren't really fans of my music anyway
They'd be quick to call you out if it was someone that they loved
But if someone doesn't matter to them, let's read about their muck.
One source says I've got eleven side guys, another says I have three.
One source says I'm five months pregnant, another says I'm baby free.
One source says I've gone to rehab, another says I'm proud of my addiction.
One source says I'm getting plastic surgery, another says it's a liposuction
And with so many conflicting stories,
Readers are wondering what's the truth.
But if they followed me on my social media pages,
They'd have gotten the truth from me all along.
Does anyone else besides us celebrities
Realize these people's hypocrisy?
There was no benefit to my short term career
Didn't get what I wanted; where do I go from here?
She is still getting a whole lot of focus
Now it's all these rumors that everyone spoke of
I wanted her gone, not the talk of the teens
Who just won't shut up over the magazines
Time to step down, speak out, and say
Celebrity gossip's made up anyway!
I've proven the truth, now they leave me alone
My fans love the real me; together, we've won
I'm no longer constantly put on the spot
I still have a career with the fans that I've got
I one was a prime dirt spreader
But now I'm just an arrogant prick
With a skull as thick as a brick
In a career that only thrives
On stupid people believing lies
And not respecting people's privacy and humanity
But now what I said was proven untrue
They've all moved on to someone new
I don't hear her name anymore, I guess I've won!
Back to my respectable construction job!
Now I can finally move on
That name, from my head, is gone
And gossip's just hurtful and wrong
Now can we please just move on?
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16. |
Regifted
04:14
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It's Christmas time again
The family's all here
The kids all wanna know
What gifts they got this year
I open up my box
My heart begins to race
A Pac-man statuette
I look up at the face of shock and awe
Upon my mom-in-law
Who gave it to my aunt
And now it's in my hands
What to do? What to say?
Someone thinks it's a throwaway
Should I smile and give my thanks?
Or should I take offense?
The gift's okay, until it's known
It was basically disowned
Nice to know you thought of me,
But with crap that's been regifted!
This thing you gave to me,
What is this crap I hold?
A badly painted coin
It's not even real gold!
And that engraved on face
Is just your roommate Ty
I guess I'll give it to
That relative that I don't see a lot.
I could give his gift thought...
Nah, screw him anyway
He'll get this thing I hate!
What I've got, I don't need
I won't use dandelion seeds
I'll give it to the jerk next door
His ugly garden could use some more
My regrets, cousin Gus
But that sweater is hideous
Orange spots on purple stripes
You can count this gift regifted
I'm 29, I'm not 5
So this toy will be regifted
I have no use for rhubarb juice
So I dub your gift regifted
That new CD by Nickelback
That's obviously regifted
This fruitcake's made the rounds for years
How long can it be regifted?
Year-old meat you couldn't eat
Why the crap would you regift that?
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Derwood Bowen Columbus, Ohio
Music in a fairly wide array of genres, with my own unusual sense of humor thrown in. I mainly make music for the purpose of entertaining people.
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