*burp* Are we on? *cough* Mrrrrrrrrrrrrrrroooooooo... Okay, this track is going to be compiled in pretty much one take.

I am not self-centered. I have no ego. I don't feel so great about myself that all I will talk about is me. I don't feel like I have to do a full song with facts about myself. I do not need to go into extensive detail about my thoughts and feelings. I can let other people get attention. I don't need to start every sentence with I. I am all about others. I do not think about myself too often. I am trying to make my concern for others clear in this song. I am not a selfish little prick. I do not consider myself above all other human beings. I think doing a song all about myself is pointless. I will not do a song about myself therefore. I will not be the center of attention. I don't need everyone paying attention to me. I think there are better things to pay attention to. I don't consider myself worth rambling on and on about 24/7. I don't have the head big enough to want to do so. I acknowledge the fact that there are other people out there. I am equally as human as you. I am equally as important as you. I think you should get your views expressed. I should probably shut up now.

Birthday presents! Birthday presents! Birthday presents! I'm (w)rapping birthday presents!

Pump it! Pump it! Pump it! Pump it! Pump it! Hmm... gas tank's full... can't pump it no mo'

Gather 'round, ghosts. I have a scary human story to tell you. Once upon a time, there was this nerdy kid from a town called Westerville. He liked to record goofy songs in his spare time. The ghosts in ghost land never worried about this; they enjoyed what he put out. But then, one day, he took one of the greatest spooky songs ever written, and he turned it into... A MOCKERY! *NOOOOOOOOOOOOO* You think that's scary? Listen to this... I HAVE THE RECORDING RIGHT HERE! *evil laughter*

It's been almost an hour since I last updated all my friends. Dig out my phone, 'cause they all wanna know where I've been. 'Cause everybody wants to know my life like they know their own. So I upload all the boring, mundane details of my life, So they can spy! 'Cause this is Twitter, it runs my life 'Cause somehow I've forgotten the proper way to socialize It's all on Twitter, my whole day Since I got involved, my days have been thinner, they're Twittered away! My followers wonder what are you doing, and I'll respond. I'll share with you nearly everything openly! (All about me) This is what you will see! At 8:35, I'm sitting in a chair eating fries. Then at 10 'til 9, I'm walking the dog, and I realized I never should've worn those hydrant patterened boxers; use your imagination At 10:33, my laundry's in the washer, and so am I 'Cause it saves time! And it's on my Twitter, I'm here because There's no going back to the respectable human that I was I'm glued to Twitter, 80 tweets a day Since I got involved, my days have been... gettin' thinner, and littered, they're Twittered away! (random fake tweets at the end)

I think Courage the Cowardly Dog is a pretty cool guy, is a pretty cool guy I think Courage the Cowardly Dog is a pretty cool guy, is a pretty cool guy Eh fears everything and doesn't afraid, doesn't afraid of anything Eh fears everything, eh fears everything, and doesn't afraid of anything

It is easy to rap in Pig Latin Every word always rhymes, it just naturally works There is practically no work to be done I can say whatever, and it still works No human can comprehend what I am blabbering A personal secret code, also fun to speak I am not restricted to Standard Written English, My mind is free, just like a butterfly While it all might be fun to say It can get rather monotonous after a while So before my listeners all go completely crazy I will stop here, before it gets stupid

My face is the color of bologna. Under normal circumstances that's easy to see, But if ever a girl starts to flirt with me, It's suddenly... Tomato Face, Tomato Face, Though I come across as timid, Deep inside, I quite enjoy it, I cannot set a limit. Return to my peach-colored face Is likely ten minutes away, 'Cause I'm bashfully expressing my shock In the most adorkable way. Cute, positive comments towards me Have given the ladies that said them a usable discovery, I know I shouldn't take them too seriously, But there I be... Tomato Face, Tomato Face, Though I come across as timid, Deep inside, I quite enjoy it, I cannot set a limit. Return to my peach-colored face Is likely ten minutes away, 'Cause I'm bashfully expressing my shock In the most adorkable way. (Tomato Face) Is it real or just their fun joke, To plant the cute, flirty seed that grows A tomato, in my cheeks, whoa-oh Tomato Face, Tomato Face, Though I come across as timid, Deep inside, I quite enjoy it, I cannot set a limit. Return to my peach-colored face Is likely ten minutes away, 'Cause I'm bashfully expressing my shock In the most adorkable way.

Narrator: And Now, it's time for... THE ADVENTURES OF PAPER SHREDDER! Todays Episode, Ironing Board! We catch Derwood Bowen brainstorming parody ideas. Derwood: Okay, here I am at the drawing board, let's see, what have we got... I am Ironing Board... Ohhh... Aw crap... I've got written a crappy parody idea, but someone could bank off of it. How will I ever get rid of it? PS: HAVE NO FEAR! PAPER SHREDDER IS HERE! *paper shredder shreds paper with bad parody idea on it and leaves*

Gotta fetch the ball, gotta chase the ball, gotta get the ball, fetch the ball, gotta chase the ball, get the ball, gotta chase the ball, gotta chase the ball, gotta get the ball, get the ball ball ball, get the ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball... wait a minute, I'm an ostrich!

Furry little critters that sing high-pitched Keep recording songs that wind up hits They keep knocking me off the charts All because they're cute, not because of the art Cute little chipmunks, cute little squirrels Get to participate in the business world I'm still wildlife in my current financial state I wish I could rise up with the greats But I'm a tiger with no welcoming appeal No record company will cut me a deal I wanna sing for kids or those who are easily amused, But I'm loud, mean, and vicious, so in the music industry, I lose. I have really worked on my song a bunch, But you keep giving contracts to my lunch They shouldn't be coming out as stars, that's screwy They should be coming out of me brown and gooey Security guards save them from consumption, that's lame I stir-fry their records, but it's just not the same It may be cute to you that animals actually sing But I want my music to be the new thing But I'm a tiger, my voice sounds broke Like a dozen razor blades got stuck in my throat I wanna sing for kids or those who are easily amused, But I'm a groggy-voiced egotist, so in the music industry, I lose I'm a tiger, what can I do? I'm the anti-cute, so I'm royally screwed I wanna sing for kids or those who are easily amused, But I'm loud, mean, and vicious, so in the music industry, I lose. I'm a tiger, what can I do? I'm the anti-cute, so I'm royally screwed I wanna sing for kids or those who are easily amused, But I'm loud, mean, and vicious, so in the music industry, I lose.

(Chipmunk addressing a crowd, though in this recording you can't tell) Fear not, my fellow cute critter citizens, for there will be a time when we will not have to worry about tigers trying to eat us based on our popularity or lack thereof! We will not have to compete with them musically for the interest of the public eye! For there will be a time, where we and the tigers will sing together in harmony! Take comfort in the following words that the Lord spoke through the prophet Isaiah! The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb, The leopard shall lie down with the young goat, The calf and the young lion and the fatling together; And a little child shall lead them. The cow and the bear shall graze; Their young ones shall lie down together; And the lion shall eat straw like the ox. The nursing child shall play by the cobra’s hole, And the weaned child shall put his hand in the viper’s den. They shall not hurt nor destroy in all My holy mountain, For the earth shall be full of the knowledge of the LORD As the waters cover the sea.

I think Fourteen is a pretty cool guy! I think Fourteen is a pretty cool guy! I think Fourteen is a pretty cool guy! I think Fourteen is a pretty cool guy! Eh earns me a "Woohoo!" and doesn't afraid, doesn't afraid of anything! Eh earns me a "Woohoo," Eh earns me a "Woohoo!" and doesn't afraid of anything!

Me: Dude, track 15, you're on! Hello! Track 15, you're on! Track: Eh? Whu... I'm on? Eh... AH... AAAGGHHH!!!! Me: Um, okay, Track 15 had a heart attack. Moving on.

I'm going up, going up, going up... Life all around me is a wreck My house is all that I have left. But I will utilize it all To get to Paradise Falls I will accomplish my dream yet. Retirement wants to take me in But another plan, I've been schemin' I got my house to float away, Say goodbye to the everyday From my ballooney bin! Up, up, up, to Paradise Falls from here! Up, up, up, where I've dreamed of for 80 years Up, up, up, I'll only go up from here. Somehow this kid has got on board. A junior wilderness explorer To get the badge he's so far missed, It's me he must assist, I don't know what he's got in store. Up, up, up, through the worst of weather we steer Up, up, up, 'til the home of my dreams appears Up, up, up, we'll only go up from here. Oh, yeah yeah yeah Yeah yeah yeah Yeah yeah yeah, yeah yeah Russel's new pet is quite absurd A rare and colorful little bird Now by Charles Muntz, we are pursued But we won't be subdued, We will not give him the bird. Although this trip seemed one big mess It was probably for the best I've learned to be part of a team, And ultimately, We have survived the wilderness! Oh, oh, oh, oh! And up, up, up, to where we know adventure's out there Up, up, up, with lots of memories to share Up, up, up, it's amazing how well the trip fared! I'm going up, I'm going up, I'm going up... Oh, yeah yeah yeah Yeah yeah yeah Yeah yeah yeah, yeah yeah

Poke, nope, no mine there Poke, nope, no mine there Poke, nope, no mine there Poke... *explosion* HEY I FOUND THE TAPE RECORDER WITH THE EXPLOSION CASSETTE THAT YOU LOST LAST WEEK!!!!!!!!!!

That's not the real imposter, he's an imposter! ...yeah

If your feet are no good at dancin', or perhaps you just have none And you're hearing that catchy beat, wishing there was some way you could have fun If physical deformities haunt you, or of dancing talent you ain't got an ounce But deep in your heart, you feel the drums thumpin', and you're feeling the urge to bounce Just for you, we got a tool, Join the latest craze, you can totally rule! Bouncin' on Box Springs (woah, woah-oh-oh) Bouncin' on Box Springs (woah, woah-oh-oh) Better wear a helmet, 'cause this dance can be off the wall! (bonk) (See?) Wave your hands in the air, Or, I guess, your whole body if you dare If you have no control, there may be no break at all, Unless you take injury from the fall Be careful of the ceiling if you're tall! (bonk, scream) Try it out, it's lot's of fun; In fear, you don't need to recoil It can be done by anybody, sure, to the dancers, it makes us look spoiled But join the fun, don't be a fool, It's a new thing, that makes it cool! (Right, youth of today, new stuff is cool?) Bouncin' on Box Springs (woah, woah-oh-oh) Bouncin' on Box Springs (woah, woah-oh-oh) Better wear a helmet, 'cause this dance can be off the wall! (bonk) (See?) Wave your hands in the air, Or, I guess, your whole body if you dare If you have no control, there may be no break at all, Unless you take injury from the fall Be careful of the ceiling if you're tall! (bonk, scream) (Instrumental break) Alright everyone, sing along and spring along (Repeat chorus to fade out)

Narrator: And Now, it's time for... THE ADVENTURES OF PAPER SHREDDER! Todays Episode, Dairy Queen! We catch Derwood Bowen brainstorming parody ideas. Derwood: Let's see, I've done a song about Mountain Dew, I've done a song about Starbucks, what are other things that I like... try to get back into the flow of things... Let's see... Dairy Queen, best darn treats, make your insides freeze... You know what, I've done too many product placement songs, screw that! Ohh... I need that hero of a paper shredder to come back again and shred this thing out of my sight... someone else might capitalize off of this if they ever break in! PS: HAVE NO FEAR! PAPER SHREDDER IS HERE! *paper shredder shreds paper with bad parody idea on it and leaves*

Disclaimer: The people who participated on this track are not expressing personal opinions regarding whether they are for or against Obama or PETA. They are merely showing their support for me, Derwood Bowen. So, out of respect for them, I ask that you not call them animal lubby-dubbies, or any political slur ending in "pig." Thank you, your cooperation is appreciated.

The fly is an animal, so is a cute kitten, Would you swat a kitten? I don't think so! A kitten has life, a kitten has the right To stick its nose in your face, the fly also. Humans gain food from other animals, The fly does the same from you, it's only fair! Even if it's sucking all the blood from your nose, It's living, therefore, it's to be treated with care. We don't care if itching is annoying to you! (DON'T SWAT THE FLY!!!! DON'T SWAT THE FLY!!!!) So what if he distracts your viewers, and you look unprofessional? (DON'T SWAT THE FLY!!!! DON'T SWAT THE FLY!!!!) He had a wife and three kids, one of whom works with our secretary! (DON'T SWAT THE FLY!!!! DON'T SWAT THE FLY!!!!) She's hot, and you made her cry, same goes for the secretary she works with! (DON'T SWAT THE FLY!!!! DON'T SWAT THE FLY!!!!) The fly is an animal, so is a cute kitten, Would you swat a kitten? I don't think so! A kitten has life, a kitten has the right To stick its nose in your face, the fly also. Humans gain food from other animals, The fly does the same from you, it's only fair! Even if it's sucking all the blood from your nose, It's living, therefore, it's to be treated with care. Sure, under the microscope, he looks like a monster! (DON'T SWAT THE FLY!!!! DON'T SWAT THE FLY!!!!) Sure, he killed your cat, but perhaps he just needs some love (DON'T SWAT THE FLY!!!! DON'T SWAT THE FLY!!!!) So what if he could give you rabies or the plague? Those aren't illegal!!!! (DON'T SWAT THE FLY!!!! DON'T SWAT THE FLY!!!!) Maybe he doesn't like your political views! I don't either! (DON'T SWAT THE FLY!!!! DON'T SWAT THE FLY!!!!) The fly is an animal, so is a cute kitten, Would you swat a kitten? I don't think so! A kitten has life, a kitten has the right To stick its nose in your face, the fly also. Humans gain food from other animals, The fly does the same from you, it's only fair! Even if it's sucking all the blood from your nose, It's living, therefore, it's to be treated with care.

I brush my teeth of Uncle Ned, I floss of Auntie Sue I scrub my neck of Little Bobby, and I wash my hands of you! I comb my hair of Brother John, I shave my lip of Fred. I pick my nose of Cousin Lou and wipe my feet of Cousin Jed. I clip my nails of Liza Beth, I pop my zit of Don. I cleanse my face of Jennifer, exfoliate of Ron. I swab my ears of Terrence, I wax my legs of Lou. I trim my beard of Grandpapa, and I wash my hands of you!

This dang bull is lost in the Costco It's a big dang bull, He's lost in the Costco Now he's trampling kids here in the Costco Not your typical sight for a Tuesday night Every aisle that's here at the Costco Is a big smashed pile right here at the Costco So if you're in line down here at the Costco You'll be waiting on this dang bull No more hordes of sporks Or half-ton Raisin Bran Why he's in here I can't say Maybe he heard there's samples today So! Let me please get out of the Costco No, you can't get past the greeters at Costco Gotta check receipts here at the Costco Why's he poking the shoppers full of holes? He thinks it's the running of the bulls Moo moo moo - Moo moo ma moo-moo moo Moo moo moo - Moo moo ma moo-moo moo Moo moo moo - Moo moo ma moo-moo moomoo This dang bull (This dang bull) Moo moo moo - Moo moo ma moo-moo moo Moo moo moo - Moo moo ma moo-moo moo Moo moo moo - Moo moo ma moo-moo moomoo Watch him charge (AmEx cards) Now he's torn through Sports And gored the cell-phone man How he got here I can't say Maybe they kicked him out of Big K! So! Let the cops into the Costco No, they don't have cards, they can't enter Costco They put crime scene tape all 'round the Costco Why'd they close down my big warehouse store? Hey look - there's a Sam's Club right next door! This Dang Bull!!!

My pizza is ruined, my cat ate the black olives I'm stuck with just the fatty meats and cheese, but I'll live I'm gonna get fat because of my cat I'm gonna get fat because of my cat I'm gonna get fat because of my cat And there goes my chance of getting to first base!

Narrator: And Now, it's time for... THE ADVENTURES OF PAPER SHREDDER! Todays Episode, Struck by a Pie! We catch Derwood Bowen brainstorming parody ideas. Derwood: Struck by a Pie-ie-ie-ie-ie-ie, Struck by a Pie, oh, struck by a pie... Hmm... if the rest of the original song wasn't in friggin' Japanese... Umm... I could try saving this for in case I ever do wanna try and learn and be able to spoof it at some point. PS: HAVE NO FEAR! PAPER SHREDDER IS HERE! Derwood: Sorry, paper shredder, I'm saving this one! PS: Uh! You cannot feed a starving paper shredder? Whatever will I do? It seems that the common citizen has put this superhero in a very bad crisis! Oh, I don't know if I can take it! Lack of salary, lack of food, in this economy, who knows what's gonna happen to me? You can't spare that parody, can you? CAN YOU? Derwood: Well then, how am I supposed to be able to save this particular parody idea and feed you at the same time? PC: HAVE NO FEAR! PHOTOCOPIER IS HERE! *photocopier copies the parody onto another paper* PS: Thank you, good citizen... slash hero! *paper shredder shreds paper with bad parody idea on it and leaves*

*Gibberish that when played in reverse says "If you were expecting this backmasked message to be Satanic, sorry folks! The satanity of this message has been cast out by the power of Jesus!"*

This is Track 30 reporting live. Track 15 has recovered from its heart attack at the hospital. However, Track 15 is in a major depression because it didn't get its chance to perform. Granted, you can't hear it crying, but it is. You can't hear it crying because we're not focused on that track now, you notice that we're focused on Track 30 here. Well, I'm gonna go off and try and comfort Track 15. This is Track 30 signing out.

Do you see the Anti-Freds? There's a group of Anti-Freds! I gotta join the Anti-Freds, ah hey! Do you see the Anti-Freds? There's a group of Anti-Freds! I gotta join the Anti-Freds, ah hey! Do you see the Anti-Freds? There's a group of Anti-Freds! I gotta join the Anti-Freds, ah hey! He's talking way too randomly In a voice that's squeaky I could do that easily, ah hey! He's bringing on the fury Of the YouTube community Who work their butts off endlessly, ah hey! I use creativity It's a good policy Yet one who does no work goes to the top. Folks think it's entertaining He could just say anything And with speed editing, it's hot! Do you see the Anti-Freds? There's a group of Anti-Freds! I gotta join the Anti-Freds, ah hey! Do you see the Anti-Freds? There's a group of Anti-Freds! I gotta join the Anti-Freds, ah hey! The community's spoke out! Quality's what we're about! We want stuff that took hard work to sprout To knock Fred out! Hey! I've been working steadily On finely nitpicked melodies I can't whip out stuff in a day My work's not done effortlessly SO GIMME GIMME SOME PROMOTION!!!!!!! Do you see the Anti-Freds? There's a group of Anti-Freds! I gotta join the Anti-Freds, ah hey! Do you see the Anti-Freds? There's a group of Anti-Freds! I gotta join the Anti-Freds, ah hey! Do you see the Anti-Freds? There's a group of Anti-Freds! I gotta join the Anti-Freds, ah hey! We with creativity We're now minority He's got too many users under his thumb! If you don't think he should leave there Think he's a good leader, I shun the non-believer, shun!

I'm going up, going up, going up... Life all around me is a wreck My house is all that I have left. But I will utilize it all To get to Paradise Falls I will accomplish my dream yet. Retirement wants to take me in But another plan, I've been schemin' I got my house to float away, Say goodbye to the everyday From my ballooney bin! Up, up, up, to Paradise Falls from here! Up, up, up, where I've dreamed of for 80 years Up, up, up, I'll only go up from here. Somehow this kid has got on board. A junior wilderness explorer To get the badge he's so far missed, It's me he must assist, I don't know what he's got in store. Up, up, up, through the worst of weather we steer Up, up, up, 'til the home of my dreams appears Up, up, up, we'll only go up from here. Oh, yeah yeah yeah Yeah yeah yeah Yeah yeah yeah, yeah yeah Russel's new pet is quite absurd A rare and colorful little bird Now by Charles Muntz, we are pursued But we won't be subdued, We will not give him the bird. Although this trip seemed one big mess It was probably for the best I've learned to be part of a team, And ultimately, We have survived the wilderness! Oh, oh, oh, oh! And up, up, up, to where we know adventure's out there Up, up, up, with lots of memories to share Up, up, up, it's amazing how well the trip fared! I'm going up, I'm going up, I'm going up... Oh, yeah yeah yeah Yeah yeah yeah Yeah yeah yeah, yeah yeah

*sigh* I've always wanted a recording of my epic sneeze, ever since my senior year of high school... And now I finally have it... and you can have it too! Granted, it sounds really weird on a recording, but here you go. *SNEEZE* Of course, now, no one other than myself is gonna wanna use this microphone ever again, but hey, whatever.

Worms have no legs! (And, on a related note) Catfish have no scales! -So, how do they know how much they weigh? -I don't know.

Waitor: Here's your food, sir. Customer #1: Thank you. (munches a little food) Wait a minute... something's wrong... Better go to the complaint department. (at the complaint department) Customer #1: Hello, sir. Yeah, my food's half eaten and rotting! Complaint Dept. Guy: Can I help you? Customer #1: Yes! My hot dog is half-eaten and my salad is rotting! Complaint Dept. Guy: Let me take a look... I don't see anything wrong here! Customer #1: Do you see the hot dog? It is BITTEN! You guys got this out of the garbage, didn't you? Complaint Dept. Guy: I don't see the problem! Customer #1: The salad is rotting! Complaint Dept. Guy: So what? Customer #1: That's a big problem! I'm not gonna eat this rotten food! Complaint Dept. Guy: EAT IT! Customer #1: How about YOU eat it? Complaint Dept. Guy: No! Customer #1: Why? Complaint Dept. Guy: No! Customer #1: Why? Complaint Dept. Guy: No! Customer #1: Come on, just take a bite out of the salad and tell me it's not rotting! Complaint Dept. Guy: No, and if you keep on harassing me, I'm gonna call the cops on you, you hooligan! Customer #1: This is the COMPLAINT DEPARTMENT! I am complaining about the food that is BAD! Complaint Dept. Guy: If you have a valid complaint, please point it out, otherwise, SIT DOWN AND EAT YOUR FOOD!!!! Customer #1: This IS valid! The food is ROTTING! Complaint Dept. Guy: No. Customer #1: Take a bite. Complaint Dept. Guy: No. Customer #1: Take a bite. Complaint Dept. Guy: No. Customer #1: Come on, I'll pay you. Complaint Dept. Guy: No, and I don't take bribes! Customer #1: Oh, come on, just this once, 100 bucks? Complaint Dept. Guy: No! Customer #1: 20 bucks? Complaint Dept. Guy: Get out of here, sir, before I have to call on security! Customer #1: Fine! I'm never coming back to this restaurant, and I'm gonna sue you! *customer #1 leaves, customer #2 comes in* Customer #2: Hey, you know that guy that just complained? Complaint Dept. Guy: Yeah. Customer #2: He's my BROTHER! Complaint Dept. Guy: Complaint Department! Can I help you? Customer #2: Yeah, actually you can. You know what you did? You gave him rotten food... and then you said it wasn't a valid complaint! Complaint Dept. Guy: That shrimp? That wasn't a valid complaint! Customer #2: WHAT? I know he doesn't have valid... you know... complaining skills, but COME ON! His food's rotten, have you tasted his food? Complaint Dept. Guy: I don't need to, it's not a valid complaint! Customer #2: Didn't you see cockroaches coming out of it? Complaint Dept. Guy: I didn't see anything, sir! Customer #2: They were eating his food! What th... COME ON! Complaint Dept. Guy: If you have a valid complaint, please state it, otherwise, GO! Customer #2: Okay, I got a valid complaint, and you know what it is? The food... was ROT-TING! (slowly) No one could eat it without getting sick! Complaint Dept. Guy: What, your toe's rotten? Customer #2: (still slowly) NO! His FOOD'S ROT-TING! Complaint Dept. Guy: You wanna eat your rotten toe, WHAT THE HECK? Customer #2: No, you stupid fool! Can't you hear anything? Complaint Dept. Guy: I like fish! Customer #2: I didn't ask... that kind of question! I don't CARE that you like fish! Complaint Dept. Guy: RAINBOWS ARE SWEET! Customer #2: I bet you eat ROTTEN fish, with COCKROACHES coming out, oh wait, no you don't, you just SERVE them! Complaint Dept. Guy: Complaint Department! Can I help you? Customer #2: YES! CAN WE GET SOME FRESH FOOD OVER HERE?! Complaint Dept. Guy: When you have a valid complaint, please state it... Customer #2: I HAVE A VALID COMPLAINT, DON'T I? I HAVE ONE! FOOD! ROTTING! WHAT'S NOT VALID ABOUT... *multiple exhilirated gasps* Complaint Dept. Guy: Not a valid complaint. Customer #2: WHAT IS A VALID COMPLAINT? Complaint Dept. Guy: My shoes are dirty, sir. Customer #2: THAT'S a valid complaint? Complaint Dept. Guy: I like spiddlesticks! Customer #2: EAT SPATULA AND DIE, SPIDDLESTICK! Complaint Dept. Guy: Would you like fries with that? Customer #2: NO, I DO NOT WANT YOUR ROTTING FRIES, UNLESS THEY'RE NOT ROTTING! ARE THEY NOT ROTTING? Complaint Dept. Guy: You look a little pale, sir. Can I offer you a moist towlette? Customer #2: NO! AND THE ONE YOU'RE HOLDING IS DIRTY, WHAT'S UP WITH THAT? Complaint Dept. Guy: Oh, the sky's up. Customer #2: WHAT? How is that relevant? Complaint Dept. Guy: Whooooooaaaa... I feel dizzy dude! Customer #2: What are you on? Complaint Dept. Guy: Don't spit at me again, sir! Customer #2: What the... I'm not spitting! Complaint Dept. Guy: I'm gonna have to call security! Customer #2: I'M gonna have to call security, and I'm gonna have to speak to your MANAGER, and I'm gonna have to get you FIRED!!!! Complaint Dept. Guy: Manager here. Customer #2: WHAT? Oh, you gotta be kidding me! You should fire yourself! You SUCK! I've gotten POOR SERVICE, the food's AWFUL, and you SUCK! Complaint Dept. Guy: I'm gonna have to kick you out sir, you're disrupting my restaurant. Customer #2: I'm NOT LEAVING! Until I get some QUALITY FOOD! Complaint Dept. Guy: SECURITY! SECURITY!!!! Customer #2: I don't SEE any security, BUB! NO SECURITY, NONE! That's just like your CRAPPY PLACE, you have CRAPPY SECURITY!!!!!!! Security Guard: Security here. Customer #2: What? Complaint Dept. Guy: Take this man outta here, get him outta my restaurant! Security Guard: What's he doing? Customer #2: I JUST WANNA GET... Complaint Dept. Guy: HE'S BEING DISRUPTIVE! Security Guard: Whatever. Customer #2: HA! There goes your security! Complaint Dept. Guy: YOU'RE FIRED!!!!!! Customer #2: You should fire yourself, for doing such a POOR JOB! Complaint Dept. Guy: Rainbows are SWEET! Customer #2: WHAT ARE YOU ON? Complaint Dept. Guy: WHOA, my hand's FLOPPY, heh heh heh... Customer #2: Wait, I got a question, is there ANY good food around here? Complaint Dept. Guy: Why don't you try... our BURGERS! Customer #2: Are they not rotting? Complaint Dept. Guy: I cannot discuss that. Customer #2: WHAT? You can't discuss it! It's ROTTING, isn't it? Complaint Dept. Guy: I'm not at liberty to discuss this matter. Customer #2: Wow, you can't even lie. You don't even lie, you just, you can't even lie about this, can you? Complaint Dept. Guy: You need to get outta here, sir. Customer #2: YOU need to get outta here! Complaint Dept. Guy: You're way outta line. Customer #2: I need to get over there and get some FRESH FOOD! Complaint Dept. Guy: Eat your cockroach eggs and be quiet! Customer #2: WHAT?! COCKROACH EGGS?! WHAT?! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? With those, you don't eat those! Complaint Dept. Guy: Then lick them! Customer #2: WHAT?! Just because you don't EAT them doesn't mean you LICK them! Basically the same thing! Complaint Dept. Guy: Whoa, I didn't know I had two feet! Security Guard: Security here, can you keep it down, I'm trying to sleep. Thank you. Customer #2: No, come back, I want you to get this guy fired! Complaint Dept. Guy: I thought I told you you were FIRED! Customer #1: Second in command to security, sir. What's the problem? Complaint Dept. Guy: You're fired too! Customer #1: WHAT? I did nothing wrong! By the way, there's a burger joint, doesn't have rotting food, down the street. Complaint Dept. Guy: You're just this guy's little brother! Customer #1: No I'm not! Customer #2: You know what? You suck, and I'm leaving! Complaint Dept. Guy: Whoa, I have a watch! Customer #2: Guess what! You have no customers! Complaint Dept. Guy: COOL, it's like 10 million o'clock! Customer #2: Are you serious? Complaint Dept. Guy: Hey! Whoa... dude... colors are coming everywhere... Hello, complaint department! Can I help you? Why are you walking away? Come back! Tell your friends! Customer #2: NO! I'M GONNA TELL 'EM NOT TO COME!!!!! *customer slams door*

Square roots are radical, dude!

We interrupt your regularly scheduled CD to bring you this important news bulletin. The circus, having to downsize for the economy, has just fired the human cannonball. *sad trombone* We now return you to your CD, already in progress.

Death metal should not appear on my CD 'Cause lyrics need to be understood for comedy So, I should probably stop!

Y'arr, here be playing cards and a Q-tip, me laddy! Swab the deck! Y'arr har har har!!!

Alright, let me tell you about the last four songs on this disk, in my set of songs which I call "With my marbles in my head." These songs are more serious songs of mine, so don't be alarmed if you don't find jokes in them. I tried to write songs that reflected what I was going through emotionally at the time. I had moments of optimism, and moments of emotional struggle, based on my experience with trying to find a relationship, and being unable to let go of what doesn't exist anymore. Along the way, I also wrote songs to reflect how God has influenced my life, and while I had my humbling moments, I also have a song here that's meant to be uplifting for others who believe. So, that pretty much covers the gist of these final four songs. So, I hope you enjoy hearing songs that show a deeper side of me that my strange sense of humor often attempts to hide.

It's still there, I feel it My love for you isn't all gone Though I know things didn't work out I'm still struggling to move on There was a time we had something My heart doesn't want to let it go away But you've already let go and moved on I know I should really do the same Why I try to hold on to what I can't have I have no good excuse. It only causes failure and discouragement Why do I take the abuse? What opportunities might I have missed By not searching around. Perhaps if I could let go of you I would find myself quite sound. A part of me doesn't think I can find in someone new What I once found in you Though looking is what I should do Though I'm not at all sure who Could also have feelings for me too Who else could love me true I've let my feelings trump all reason Now I'm in emotional prison A side of me says there's a way to be free Someone out there will be right for me Why can't I bring myself to see? It's not worth holding on I really should find someone who's better suited But it's just internal conflict By each other, my sense of reason and my heart are disputed It's still there, I feel it My love for you isn't all gone Though I know you're not right for me I'm still struggling to move on

Somewhere, I know there's somebody out there Somebody for whom I can care The girl that's right for me Someday, I know that she will come my way When that will happen, who can say? I'll have to wait and see I'm surrounded by these thoughts in my daydreams. They give me a good feeling, though I'm not sure what it means. Perhaps, it's a feeling of hope, that I won't be forever alone The power of love, to me, will not be unknown Somewhere, she's out there I know I'll find her sometime Somehow, It may be a long time from now, But I'm sure it will come somehow That moment meant to be The day I've waited for all my life When it comes, my heart will take flight Somewhere, she's out there I know I'll find her sometime Somewhere

I don't claim a perfect life, in fact I can't Too often, I find myself feeling low I find this world surrounding me with pain There's only one escape for me, I know Here I am, a broken man Feelin' poor, I need you, Lord Only you can make things right I can't do this by myself It's getting rough, I need your help To lead me to a better way for my life I used to be happy and carefree But life's not always like that, I've learned What I thought would make me happy turned my life upside down I know there's only one way I can turn Here I am, a broken man Feelin' poor, I need you, Lord I know that as of late, I feel I've gone astray Trying to find a new source of relief Has led to nothing more than grief Jesus, help me to return to you today

Romans 7:21-8:2 I find then a law, that evil is present with me, the one who wills to do good. For I delight in the law of God according to the inward man. But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? I thank God-through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, with the mind I myself serve the law of God, but with the flesh the law of sin. There is therefore now no condemnatioin to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has made me free from the law of sin and death. ----- Life is oftentimes a mess, Decisions pulling you every which way. You know what is right, and from what choice to stray, And from what you should keep yourself at bay. But the wrong things tell you they're okay, And they peak your interest in a snap Then faster than you can say, "Oh crap!" You realize you've been caught in a trap. Just as you reach that conclusion, That's when Satan will try to come in, Try to leave you hopeless because of your sin, And tell you you've just done yourself in And that there's only doom for which you can prepare, Even though another option is there. He won't care, he'll try to hide The light of Christ and leave you in despair. Even though his power is scant, He'll try to convince you he can do what he can't, But remember that, this just is One of the messages he'll try to implant... In our heads, in our minds, Satan tries, through his lies, To tell us we're beyond repair If you start to hear that, beware! No matter what you've done, You're no worse than anyone If you find you start to fall, The same thing happens to us all, so Don't say that you're unforgiveable 'Cause Jesus Christ will come through for you Don't say that you're unforgiveable 'Cause Jesus Christ will come through for you I feel the battle between the will of my spirit And the will of my flesh, and I fear that Sometimes the flesh will overtake me and steer me To what I intrinsically want Which is what I know I shouldn't have, So I try to let my mind reflect, Why I should redirect to something better, but often My self-control finds itself wrecked. But that's when one has to ask the question, "Compared to your sin, why would mine be worse?" Everyone's done something in which, to God, it hurts, As it says in Romans 3, the 23rd verse. We all just need to pray to God Let him redirect our hearts, To help us choose what is smart, So that from our sins we can depart Keep your faith in Christ secured Let him guide you through his word, Then you don't have to listen to The one who'll get the wrong ideas... In our heads, in our minds, Satan tries, through his lies, To tell us we're beyond repair If you start to hear that, beware! No matter what you've done, You're no worse than anyone If you find you start to fall, The same thing happens to us all, so Don't say that you're unforgiveable 'Cause Jesus Christ will come through for you Don't say that you're unforgiveable 'Cause Jesus Christ will come through for you All of our sins have brought upon us An ongoing destructive spell To humankind, but just look up And see there's someone who wants to help. Now, we could either just Ignore his presence and let it go, And continue to go in a downward spiral, But Jesus has something better to show. He's been wanting to give us A brand new life, a brand new way to live, So, just accept what he has to give, And don't reflect on the bad things you did 1 Peter 4:3 tells us We've already done enough of those things in our past It's time for us to move on, and make sure Our new lives and our old lives contrast. Remember, Jesus died on a cross Just to tell you you are forgiven No matter what all you may have done In the way you used to be living So, recieve this message of hope And allow it to plant a seed, In your heart, to let it grow, And be careful what messages you let feed... In our heads, in our minds, Satan tries, through his lies, To tell us we're beyond repair If you start to hear that, beware! No matter what you've done, You're no worse than anyone If you find you start to fall, The same thing happens to us all, so Don't say that you're unforgiveable 'Cause Jesus Christ will come through for you Don't say that you're unforgiveable 'Cause Jesus Christ will come through for you ----- Titus 3:3-7 For we ourselves were also once foolish, disobedient, decieved, serving various lusts and pleasures, living in malice and envy, hateful and hating one another. But when the kindness and the love of God our Savior toward man appeared, not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to His mercy He saved us, through the washing of regeneration and renewing of the Holy Spirit, whom He poured out on us abundantly through Jesus Christ our Savior, that having been justified by His grace we should become heirs according to the hope of eternal life.